Under the pretext of...

Once you reach a certain financial and educational level you can’t just frolic around like any Average Joe. Luckily, some clever Trump has come up with upscale versions for you to enjoy lower class and “trashy” things.

Ballet aka male strip club
A true lady will never enter an establishment that degrades the male gender, unless it’s Carnegie Hall. I wonder if the dancers have been informed they’re on display or is this like The Emperor’s New Clothes? All I know is when I put on pantyhose I’m fully aware of the see-through/outline element, so due to modesty I usually wear a skirt on top. Pirouettes and splits do not conceal full-frontal nudity, in fact, they underline and put it in bold. I must say that male strippers are more reserved. At least they come out fully clothed and leave us wondering. Ballet dancers jump right out without warning or introduction. The females aren’t any better. They wear too-toos which are essentially belts made to resemble skirts. If this is done for the sole purpose of being able to distinguish between genders then the males pretty much got that covered (no pun intended). Basically I see your underwear lady, take care of that before pretending to be a swan.

Wine tasting vs bar
What a delightful way for wine connoisseurs (stuffed-shirt alcoholics) to spend their day. What’s the matter? You don’t give a damn about wine and are simply looking to have a good time without being judged? I don’t blame you. Nowhere else will you still be able to come out with your dignity intact after drinking during the day while driving through the countryside intoxicated.

Home attendant vs nursing home
Having a home attendant may not seem upscale to some, but to me it certainly does. Only nobility used to be able to afford their own staff and in my opinion it’s still very refined- even if Medicaid pays for it. Both parties involved benefit. Your behind gets wiped without having to wait in line and afterwards the attendant goes right back to the remote wihout missing the latest Brazilian soap operas. To pass the time, you can role play by pretending to be the affluent Juan Carlos, while your loyal attendant is the maid, Maria, who is really the wealthy daughter of Pedro Antonio, your next door neighbor.

A seat at the opera vs comfortable mattress
The rich suffer from insomnia too. Sure they can afford the best beds around but we all know that nothing knocks out a person faster then listening to male and female voices urging us to assess the gravity of the situation. For those of you who didn’t get my drift: Men’s deep baritones may as well be used as substitutes for a war alarm due to their unique ability to foretell impending doom and female soprano screeching only aids the already rising panic. However, after the initial dramatic impact, comes a pacifying affect that somehow evokes lethargy leading to a fantastic two-hour rest.

Dental work vs Grillz/s
At first I was going to use the grills as an upscale version of the two until I remembered the cost of regular dental work and the trashy look a grills inspires. Who knew that even platinum and diamonds can look disgusting when you use them to smile? Sure, not everyone can afford millions of stolen treasure glued to their incisors but neither can they afford a root canal, followed by a bridge and ending with complete tooth extraction. Besides, half the Russian aging population is sporting gold teeth, which were used thirty years ago instead of dentures, so the rappers are way behind the times. I say don’t stop there. Rip out your hair and get sapphire braids, get rid of your bionic (or regular) limbs in favor of pearl arms and ruby legs. Replace all your organs and get on the train at night preferably without jewelry (life) insurance.

Quakes

First Haiti now Chile. Better yet, tsunami headed for Haiti. It's been a long time since 2004 after all. Instead of thanking their lucky stars, Americans are complaining about a little snowstorm. If you hate the weather so much move to a warmer climate and suffer their calamities. If you prefer digging yourself out of rubble to shoveling your drive-way, be my guest.
It appears 2012 is no joke. All the signs are there. It's even written about in a Russian magazine (the equivalent of National Inquirer) and has my grandma all worried. She doesn't know what day it is, but she sure knows that the end is near.
The reason why the news don't show anything positive is not due to ratings but because there is nothing encouraging going on in the world. This is precisely why I strictly stick to children's programs. I can't deny that those are becoming increasingly violent (especially video games) but at least it's better than facing reality.
Signing out,
DK

GW

Global warming is upon us people. We’re on a slippery slope bobsledding 90mph in Vancouver (we all know how safe those tracks are). The Olympics are so trouble-free this year that there’s almost nothing to talk about, so we’re left with the topic of global warming. Maybe that’s the reason Vancouver is having issues. Blame it on the A-A-A-, I mean GW (global warming and not our former president). Actually may as well blame him. He already ruined America and now he’s on a mission up the continent until he reaches the source of our suffering. After ruthlessly rampaging Canada, he will get to the axis of all evil (North pole) and melt the ice personally. I can’t believe that I’ve uncovered his plot and connected the Olympics fiasco with global warming. I’m a freaking genius!
Seriously, what’s up with this weather? According to Facebook, everyone is sick of it. Uggs are ruined, views from windows are distorted, people can’t travel/commute. I’m so pissed that I’m going to hang a platinum medal around my neck in opposition. GW may have the gold but my brain’s techniques were more technically challenging.
• This entry was not written by anyone from the Al Gore camp or Al Gore himself (I know how this looks since Al Gore is a strong opponent of both global warming and GWB)

Work tips

We all know that the person who looks the busiest is really mutilating keyboard keys while responding to all their Facebook messages. The secret to their success? They have a serious/take no prisoners face on. They have on the kind of face that politicians use when being accused of improper sexual conduct. Meanwhile you try to say “No, I’m not gay” (after a video of you is released proving otherwise) with a straight (no pun intended) face. The only time I believe them is if they use carefully-worded sentences like: “I’ve never seen that stripper’s face in my life” (‘cuz they probably weren’t concentrating too much on that particular area).

This type of expression, while in the workplace, can either deny the most serious charges (like that you’re a complete idiot/slacker) or make anyone feel guilty for even doubting you in the first place. I, on the other hand, like to work with a carefree, spaced- out type of look. Even when I’m working, people assume I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.

Another really good skill to have to confuse people into believing that you are the greatest worker on the planet is-you guessed it, ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS! I cannot stress this enough people. Get your shit together or stuff your mess in a box and go home before you’re fired. Either way, the desk WILL be clean. If you’re not getting work because your boss is afraid to approach you out of fear that he will start spinning with the rest of the tornado in your area, that’s not a good sign. Once again, I’ve failed miserably in this respect.

What else can possibly keep a mediocre person at their job? Good listening (and people) skills. You have got to listen up and make comments relating to the issue at hand. If, like me, you randomly ask “what’s for lunch?” (at 10 am) while all the higher ups are talking about how to improve communication within the firm, your Facebook status is about to take a turn for the worse.

For these reasons, I’m desperately trying to switch tactics. I am planning to stick my two very important cents in at every corner. I am going to take Tyra Banks’s advice and practice posing in the mirror to perfect “the look” like fierce models do. Working in the office is kind of like modeling after all. You have to grasp what each client wants and just do it. Somebody likes polite chatter in the morning with a hint of sincere interest? Give it to them. Someone else likes a no-nonsense type of attitude with a face to match? Kindly oblige. A particularly annoying boss screws up your perfect review unless you compliment a picture of their highly unattractive kids? Lie.

*A short note on lying. You will need to resort to it but this skill must be perfected. When you’re putting on any number of faces while thinking otherwise, it all constitutes lying. I am very bad at doing this. My facial expression says it all. Whatever I’m thinking is out there for your viewing pleasure. Do not lie unless you can back it up with the appropriate expression!

Natural remedies for everyday ailments

Hemorrhoids/anal fissures
Do not subject your most sensitive area to stressors because it is vindictive enough to retaliate. You’ll know when it does once you’re officially known as “that guy” who freely disperses standing ovations even in situations similar to those where a skater falls for even attempting a triple axel. Pointing your nose at every seat like it’s unacceptable to your royal arseness will not score you many friends at Ikea. Unfortunately not much can be done because this is one of life’s little jokes on you for which there’s no permanent solution, only temporary relief. Just stay positive and thankful that at least it’s not incontinence and do your best to de-stress ground zero.

Bad breath or body odor
Not so much a problem for you as it is for those around you. Sometimes the solution is as simple as making a selection from a multitude of “natural” odor-maskers to avoid being quarantined. In rare instances nothing seems to work because the situation has dropped to the lowest level of purgatory and once there, it’s a long way up. This means that your insides are trying to give you a desperate pre-autopsy report as to the status by utilizing any escape orifice necessary. Depending on the type of person you are, you will deal with this problem accordingly. Some will revel in their natural aroma (the most natural remedy of all) while others will fast and detox. Warning: detoxing will worsen the problem.

Acne
A particularly disturbing type of plague similar to boils. Anyone can be subjected but some are better adapted at coming out of it unscathed body and soul. Again, not many natural remedies here really except walking around constantly red from embarrassment as an attempt to even out your skin tone.

Growling stomach/intestines
As if there aren’t enough noises emanating from the outside world, your body feels the need to produce some of its own. As a rule of thumb, this usually happens when it’s deathly quiet and everyone’s ears are perked up. The barking of gastric juices is hard to ignore and you feel helpless and trapped. Your doctor will only laugh when you mention it to him so absolutely nothing can help you. To lessen your own mortification you may secretly wish for everyone around you to suffer the same fate.

Obesity
Literally an everyday ailment because if you wake up obese today, chances are you’re still gonna be obese tomorrow. Liposuction will not take care of the underlying cause, which is eating like the porker that you are, so it’s pretty much pointless. I am not cruel enough to suggest jumping jacks to a 500 lb person while dangling a burger on a string as motivation. Nor would I dare say diet; because eating one muffin instead of twenty is the equivalent of foreplay with no happy end, and I’m not a tease. Basically if those are the cards you’re dealt then…you get the idea.

Headache
Comes and goes as it pleases and can be caused by any of the above nuisances. Contrary to popular (Asian propaganda) belief, massage and acupuncture does not bring relief, but egg on the pain and leave you hopping from one Chinese herbal medicine spa to the next.

Moral: there are no natural remedies so stick to man-made pharmaceuticals and keep the economy afloat!

Circle of life

I don’t get it when people refer to the road of life as coming full circle. If they mean being born with not enough mental capacity to remember your daily activities or retain any information except what’s in your own diaper and leaving the world the same way then I agree. Otherwise I don’t see how a beautiful healthy baby turning into a wrinkled mess can equal 360º. It’s pretty much a straight highway which eventually turns into a cliff. Everybody has to jump to make room for the line forming behind them. I realize that thinking of life as a slow death march is kind of sad to some people so they prefer to brighten up the whole experience by making up euphemisms, drowning in wine, and positive thinking. All those things are used as anesthetics to dull the pain of what lies ahead.
When I was young I always stared at old folks as if they got some disease that I hoped never to catch. I feared it, and secretly prayed that it will bypass me of all people. Now I know that it’s inevitable. I managed to turn from a child into a teenager, and then into an adult so there’s no reason to believe that the wheel stops here. It’s just like watching the Wheel of Fortune and screaming for it to stop spinning but knowing it will land on Bankruptcy every time.
On the other hand, old age doesn’t last forever and the afterlife may be filled with fun and games so cheer up everybody. No need to be saddened by the above-written.

Leaving already?

According to Paul Simon, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. That’s a bit exaggerated. “Slipping out the back, hopping on the bus, and leaving your key” could all possibly be a part of one trip.

Most people, can make due with just three ways. You either loudly declare your intention and boldly march out the front door (or slip away quietly through the fire escape if you’re considerate and don’t want to wake them). You can drop them off at the nearest asylum (under the pretext of a picnic) if the situation is nearly hopeless, and (as a last resort), you dump their lifeless body into the river (Paul Simon couldn’t use this lyric because no name rhymes with river).

Another option (to be utilized only in extreme circumstances) is to sit them down and list all the possible ways in which you can leave until they’re begging you to do it already or help you pick an option. Make a game out of it and make it fun! Spring it on them while you’re both relaxed and watching TV. “So tomorrow I’m probably gonna hop on the bus Gus (I don’t care if their name is Sally you gotta strictly follow the lyric) or get on the plane (Jane), but what do you think? Either way I’m gonna get far away from you so this is the last say you’ll ever have in anything pertaining to me”. I bet they won’t take it as hard. After all, you’re being considerate enough of their feelings and throwing out some good choices. Heck, maybe they’ll even choose the other alternative after you’ve made your decision. “Oh, you’re headed to the train station? In that case I’ll order a taxi". You can both leave. Split the burden in half-25 ways each. Maybe unbeknownst to you, your lover was sitting there waiting for you to say something just so they can suggest the most dangerous exit. “Why don’t you take the hot air balloon ride up on outta here? I’ve already called the parents of the boy who never got a chance to use his so maybe this time the authorities can actually find a body”.

On the other hand why must you always be the initiator and do all the packing? You can tell them to get out. Hit the Road Jack seems to be another popular song. If you’re not happy you can always tell Jack to not come back no more, and when your boyfriend asks you who the hell Jack is, don’t roll your eyes but explain that you are again strictly adhering to the lyrics.
Basically the only difficult thing about leaving somebody is remembering how hard it was to find them in the first place.

Education is overrated

(Project) manager
This big shot walks around the office pretending to be busy. That’s in the job description. In reality only one of the following two skills is required: either you crack the whip (the one your spouse gave you for your birthday) to instill fear, or you falsely shower everybody with compliments to be “likeable” and assume you’re in. If you can do both without offending anyone you will make it to CEO in no time.

Attorney
Bullshit, bullshit and more bullshit coming right up! As if years of law school and passing the BAR isn’t enough, these glorified bullshitters have to also pass the character and fitness test. Aren’t these standards a bit too high considering failure is imminent once they start to actually practice? The whole industry is built on lies and deceit. The liars and cheaters up in the chain decide which potential backstabbers they will accept into their “fraternity” and the character and fitness being tested here is apparently the one which has the highest potential of making the most money with as little effort as possible.

Physician’s assistant and nurse
Are you serious? The doctor makes all the important decisions (and is the one who is held responsible and ultimately sued if shit hits the fan) so what do his helpers need to go to school for? It seems simple enough to pass the scalpel when asked to do so during surgery and try your best not to faint. The easiest item on the list is to check on patients who are in comas or are unresponsive for some other reason (like not wanting to be bothered by some silly nurse or their loved ones). In this case I’d think you place the checkmark under ‘blissfully asleep’ and move on. Administering medication? Any reasonable idiot can do it. Popping pills is what the nurse does after she’s finished feeding them to her patients. If she knows her own dose then she can estimate her patient’s also. Enough said.

Accountant
I do my own taxes and I don’t know the law, rules or anything about the mind of the IRS. If you have a bit more knowledge on that topic than I do, you should be able to complete a form with no problems. Accountants are omnipotent when it comes to handling our money. They do all the cheating for you so I see the appeal but now they need to step it up since TURBO TAX is extremely eager to hook me up for less.

Psychiatrist/Social Worker
If you’re going to pay me a fortune to listen to your problems and give advice on occasion I’d do it in a heartbeat. Again, education seems out of place here. Good listening skills (or feigning skills) are required as well as super control of your facial expressions and laughing triggers. Once those are achieved after sufficient practice, it’s in the bag. To dispense advice just have flashcards at your disposal (with ten bits of fortune cookie wisdom) and pull one out at random as required.

Scientist
Astronomers are particularly on my shit list. Somebody has to buy me one of those expensive telescopes so I can ‘scope’ out the situation in the cosmos and write down everything that’s there or not there. After which I can publish a book, appear on the discovery channel with my two cents, and go home with a large chunk of change. My new plan is to go spend a few days by the HUBBLE in order to make a name for myself. I bet I will make a new discovery on an hourly basis (especially with a little help from LSD). Don’t even remind me of geologists. When grown men play with rocks like little children it concerns me. A rock is made of crap just like the rest of us now go do something productive.

Teacher
Have you completely hit rock bottom and ran out of ideas of what to do with your useless existence? Teaching little ones whose brains haven’t formed well enough to know any better is right for you! Come on down to P.S.100001 and you can sit in your chair showing videos of anything (because these fools have seen nothing), and scribble your name on the blackboard fifty times while behind you there’s a dozen of gaping mouths glued to your every move. Hopefully none of these little leeches commits any crime later on in life. Feeling important yet?

Optometrist
Can you see the letters all the way in the back of my other, new, fully mahogany-furnished, tastefully designed office? No? You need glasses.

Meteorologist/Weatherman
Tomorrow it may or may not precipitate. If it does, I get my paycheck. If it doesn’t, I still get my paycheck.

Air traffic controller
Believe it or not, some form of education is needed here. Sitting in a room, equipped with a screen, showing the route and speed of airplanes is not enough to perform at your optimal level. What else do you possibly need to know? How to make a call to the pilot to say “watch out” or “storm ahead so you better get out the way, land, or pray”? A vision exam should pretty much wrap it up. Anything else on the curriculum better be terrorist-related, otherwise I’m baffled.