Motivational speech

Feeling stressed and underappreciated? It’s your own fault. Learn how to screw the system and milk it for what it’s worth. Working a dead-end job? Take two-hour lunches and leave as early as possible. Take acting classes and learn to lie. These tools are very useful. Lie to everyone you meet. Talk yourself up. Describe the person you want to be instead of the schmuck you really are. The key to making everyone love you is lying and pretending -do it with assertiveness and seriousness. Don’t get me wrong laughing is allowed and schmoozing and fake smiling, but at the right moments. Even bouts of ass-kissing is acceptable but only when necessary. The majority of the time should be spent rejecting all the brownnoses following you around. Become the corrupt, evil, fake conscience-free leader you always wanted to be. Only care about yourself and your needs. Make sure others put you first. Live it up! Spend someone’s cash (never your own!). Press the delete button on all the bad opinions/comments about you which occasionally resurface in your memory. Focus. When someone tries to take advantage of you beat them to it and turn the tables. Suck all the juices out of life! Mess with everyone, trust no one. Develop a dependency on drugs and alcohol and smoke ‘on occasion’ to check that option off at the doctor’s office. Respect your organs but give them what they want. Be clean and be as dirty as possible. Connect with people, never apologize. Always do what is pleasing to you and ignore others’ complaints. Follow this advice and be happy. Achieve inner peace and a sense of security. Take yoga and meditate. Levitate to the next level. Announce your arrival and grand entrance to potential admirers. Kiss but never tolerate. Judge but never be judged. You are entitled to your superiority. Convince yourself that you can do it. Live the dream! Abandon fear and rejection. Congratulations, you’ve finally made it!

Plastic surgery and repercussions

Facelift
If your face is the only thing being lifted where is the rest of your body supposed to go? Might as well get a full body lift.
Upside: wrinkle-free skin
Downside: muscle immobility resulting in being stuck with whatever last expression you had on your face before going under.

Implants
Wondering which one to chose; the boob or butt silicone? Go for both because it’s hot.
Upside: everything is up.
Downside: no one sees your facelift.

Hair transplant
Always dreamed of it? Now you can have it. The unnecessary carpet on your chest and back is moving on up.
Upside: you’re covered
Downside: knowledge is leaking out of all the extra (vanity) holes in your head

Veneers/lumineers
The dream of all dreams is to have that million-dollar, pearly-white smile. Nobody wants to see the nasty, yellowing stalagmites attached to your gums. Also, it’s not cute to never smile, it looks suspicious.
Upside: instant good looks, charisma and charm
Downside: speech therapy not included

Liposuction
The single, fastest weight loss method on the market today. Walk in bloated, walk out perfectly sculpted.
Upside: Rapid procedure. Say goodbye to all the happy meals you ever had.
Downside: Say hello to all the happy meals you ever had (rapid procedure). Also, shifting of all the implants, lifts and transplants may occur and only your veneers can save you.

Criminal

That’s it, I’ve had it! Time to make something of myself. After looking over my options, the voices in my head have unanimously decided that I am perfectly equipped to become a gangster. Turning to a life of crime after being a respectable member of society is not exactly the way most gangsters start out but on the bright side it will serve as a defense at a potential future trial of mine: “Look at this face ladies and gentlemen, does it look like the face of a guilt-ridden evildoer or the hardened mask of a merciless killer? Examine the writing style of this person. She’s highly educated and a great speller. There is no way she committed the crimes the prosecutor is accusing her of”. There will be new standards-my own. First things first: A letter will be mailed out advising all mobsters that a new Godmother is emerging. I already see the panic and the division within the mob world. Some will welcome the newcomer while others will start making preparations for my untimely execution-all of which I will be ready for. Next item on the agenda will be to make new purchases; in my case robbing the clothing stores blind. I need new suits, fedoras and ties (for everyday activities like high-profile police chases and shootings) and evening gowns for special occasions. The most difficult task will be recruiting members who will obey me and carry out my requests without question. To accomplish that I will need to make a name for myself as the most notorious villain who ever set foot in the Big Apple. This has to be done by word of mouth since I am not planning on doing all the dirty work myself, at least not in the beginning. I will send out a new memo amending my initial one, taking credit for all the jobs which have been done by the worst kind of sadists. After enough fear has been instilled into the members of the general public I will make my first appearance at a gathering of the heads of the mafia families, having only two guys at my side to show my fearlessness and total lack of respect for the more veteran and aging thugs. I will be wearing a burqua and only my eyes will be visible. My undergarments will consist of a full-body bullet-proof vest. When the shooting erupts I shall remain standing like the untouchable soldier that I am. Shortly after this publicized incident the notoriety and infamy will follow. This is the kind of life every kid dreams of but is too afraid to embark on. Let me be the first to pave the way. I will also need high doses of prescription (or non-prescription) medicine as a preventative measure against crapping my pants while I perform all the above-mentioned tasks.

phrases

Whoever coined the phrase “The sky is falling” obviously had no idea about astronomy and physics. I know it was originally a fable about a chicken who mistakenly thought that the sky was falling. This, however, was written by some author so lets not blame the poor chicken. The sky that is visible to us is made up of our atmosphere, the stars, the moon, other planets and asteroids, the sun, galaxies, comets, meteors, etc…So which of these things all of a sudden decided to fall and when should we expect it? Moreover, how did this guy know that they are falling? Did someone place a collect call to him and say “Hey, I’m about to fall so warn the public” and the guy having no idea who “I” am just assumed it was the sky? Maybe he got tired of staring up and decided that it was time to bring the whole thing down, literally. But I can see his point; in order to fall something has to come from upstairs. Being very meticulous he made a list and crossed off all the things already on the ground. This still left too many things in the sky (including man-made objects) so he just said to hell with it and lumped it all under “sky”. To fall by definition means to descend under the influence of gravity. Well although gravity is present in space nothing is descending, objects are merely colliding (except asteroids and comets that enter our atmosphere and have no choice but to fall being in the hands of gravity or this guy). Maybe this guy and gravity are one and the same.

Same goes for the expression “piece of the sky”. This saying can be found in some book titles and even a song by Barbara Streisand. What are these people talking about? When did the sky all of a sudden become a cake or a pizza pie? If so, can I place an order? Give me the slice with the Andromeda Galaxy layer and Jupiter on top, thanks. Like there is nothing else to divide so we have to rip the sky into pieces. Normally we’re selfish and want the whole thing to ourselves but when it comes to the sky all of a sudden we’re generous and everyone can have a piece. People are such strange creatures anyway, wanting to own intangible objects. They name stars after themselves and proudly announce that those stars now belong to them. In reality everything “up there” belongs to the afore-mentioned guy. I, for one, want no part of the sky especially since it’s falling anyway.