Stalker

I am happy to report that I have a stalker. He is a kind and gentle soul who means no harm but also possesses all the perturbed qualities of a person who spends their time immersed in another’s existence. Sometimes I want to offer him food and shelter but common sense tells me that it’s not wise to befriend the obsessed. First of all you run the risk of losing them as an admirer once they REALLY get to know you. It’s one thing to put on a façade while out and about but a whole other one when you’re letting your hair down and it all hang out. It’s decided then, I will keep him at arm’s length and at bay.

I have composed a love note for him just to keep him going. It goes a little something like this:
Dear John Doe:
For the past few months I’ve noticed you lurking in the shadows mouthing my name. I love the attention and the fact that you care. I’ve taken the liberty of telling the world about you because I can tell that you are a very special person. I believe that you’re a loyal friend and a good listener. You are appreciated. I anxiously await seeing your hunched over body behind the bushes. You make me feel special. You make me feel loved. You make me feel like a natural woman.

Qualities writers should possess

Sticking to extremes
Every writer’s material should be as saccharine as possible or intensely dark and gloomy. Anything in between is just blah. I prefer the dark/cynical style myself because the former makes me gag. The writing style should reflect the writers themselves. They either should be people friendly or loners who sit in their rooms with the shades drawn thinking of all the possible ways everything can go wrong. Guess which one I am?

Open-mindedness
I used to pride myself on this particular trait until a friend of mine accused me of being the complete opposite for reasons unknown to me. Basically I was labeled conservative, critical, and closed-minded. I had no idea! So I decided to adhere to my newfound image. Luckily, this does not stop me from writing.

Creativity
Creativity and inspiration is not one and the same thing. Some people can pull material out of the same hat where rabbits hang out while others suffer from constipation of the mind-you feel that something is definitely lodged up there but it refuses to come out.

A good brain thesaurus
This is self-explanatory. Either you carry the SAT words in your head or buy a heavy book- your choice.

Tolerance for criticism
I definitely lack in this department because all I want to hear is praise. What the heck is constructive criticism anyway? This is euphemism at its best. A very business-savvy person who knew better than to straight-out belittle his employees invented this terminology. He listed all their faults and right before they pounced he screamed the magic word-constructive! He also could’ve said “no offense”. Thankfully he didn’t slip and say destructive thereby sealing his doom.

That's it ladies and gentlemen, the suggestion box is empty.

Bring on the fame and success

I would like to be famous and successful. It really doesn’t matter for what. As long as it gets me on the cover next to Paris Hilton I’ll be ecstatic. Is there a better way to announce my arrival? If I were to shout from the rooftops that I’m famous nobody would believe me but if Paris Hilton is standing by my side happy to be in my company, well then who can doubt it? My plan is to follow her (or any other “famous for nothing” celebrity) around trying to get in the same shot. Hopefully by the time her bodyguards pounce on me I’d have accumulated a decent number of photos to sell to the tabloids along with the following headlines: 'That’s me and Paris eating lunch' (in reality I’m biting a sandwich my mother brought me and Paris just has her mouth open), 'That’s us engaged in a deep conversation about the perils of extreme wealth' (when Paris is yelling for someone to take care of the nuisance that is me), and 'That’s Paris’s bodyguards giving me a friendly hug' (me holding onto one of their enormous shoulders for dear life). Who will know the truth but Paris and myself? She can later try to deny the validity of those rumors but no one ever believes celebrities when they deny something, only when they confirm. I realize that once I’m “in” some people would look up to me and yet others would despise me and talk about how irritating I am. For the record I am not that irritating but my opinion is obviously biased.

So how do I go about achieving this dream when my original plan falls through? I can’t exactly stalk everyone or I’ll become famous for being on America’s Most Wanted. That’s not the kind of fame I’m after. What I need is a good marketing and public relations team who can figure out ways to constantly bombard people’s screens with my image until they have no choice but to accept me as part of our pop culture. I want there to be unblockable pop-ups of me on all sites so that people surfing the web for Angelina Jolie will come across my image. The worst thing that could happen is that they’d think Angie has gained a few pounds. All bases need to be covered. I want to be envied, admired and downright worshipped. It’s not that difficult to achieve. People are fooled fairly easily. If you got a special skill use it; if not make one up. No one will be able to tell. Technological advances + people’s lack of common sense=JACKPOT! (Sorry for getting all mathematical). There is no need to be special, gifted, or privileged; only to be somewhat business savvy and a tad lucky.

BODIES experience

There’s a reason why you don’t always get to do the things you want to do. It is God’s way of looking out for your best interests. For instance, I have been planning to go to the BODIES exhibit for quite some time now and something always got in the way (mainly laziness). I also always wanted to try the virtual ride by Seaport (I assumed it was a roller coaster but was never sure) and finally my curiosity got the best of me. I killed two birds with one stone purely on a whim one day. I attended the exhibit first. My expectations were to get a look inside the human body. I did get a look inside, and outside, and from the side; however, I may as well have been looking at the wax figures from Madam Tussauds. These plastinated dead criminals from China were rearranged in various poses (mostly sports-related), some holding basketballs, others soccer balls, and only one guy holding a conductor’s baton (I guess we were the orchestra). Basically either all these guys were athletes or the only attractive pose a corpse can assume is with a ball of some sort next to its head. Although most of the flesh was stripped for some strange reason the eyeballs were left intact-apparently there weren’t enough balls there already. Needless to say I got bored five minutes into it. There were also separate organs (both healthy and diseased so you can compare and wonder which of those you happen to be carrying around inside). Thankfully next to these inanimate objects there were explanations consisting of “This is your liver” (my liver or the liver of that guy holding the soccer ball?) and “This is your liver with cirrhosis” (I didn’t know I was afflicted but thanks for the warning). I also started examining the other attendees of the exhibit and listening to their conversations. Most of them were looking at what was being displayed without bothering to read anything the poor dead guys had written about themselves. One woman said to her husband: “This is different honey, do you feel like having Chinese afterwards?” What was the dead guy thinking when he heard this I wonder? “Does the sight of my sliced brain remind you of vegetable Lo Mein?”

As creepy as all this was I found it fascinating as well especially when I got to the dissected arteries and veins. There were all kinds of aortas and such floating in liquid. It made me think of armor for some reason; really flimsy armor which needs protection. I also wanted to know where these bodies came from and why weren’t they properly disposed of? I read that these were unclaimed corpses. Is this the fate one has to suffer because one’s relatives were too lazy to come and collect the remains? What kind of cruel relatives are these anyway? They better have a good excuse for letting their loved ones stand on display glaring angrily at the public unable to speak because their tongues were cut out. No one leaves a will with the instructions: “Please do not bury or cremate me, I want my skeleton to be placed in all kinds of awkward positions so people can look at me and get the munchies”.

Then I went inside the virtual ride. What do you know? It happened to be a roller coaster. I wasn’t lucky enough to have the ride all to myself. At the last minute a father got in with his son. As soon as the ride began the son started screaming he’s scared and wants to get off. I offered to press the stop button but the father was too embarrassed to let me. When the ride was over he said: “I hope we didn’t ruin the experience for you”. No you didn’t. You made my already ruined experience even worse. Why don’t you take your son to the BODIES exhibit across the street? I’m sure he’ll love it.

Continuing to spew

   Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would be lucky to have someone like me as a guest on their show. I’m just sayin’. In my heart of hearts I feel that my presence in the “hot seat” would be interesting. I’m aware that it can go both ways-either hilarious or atrocious-but it’s a win/win situation; both would be appealing to watch. I also wouldn’t mind working “behind the scenes”. I’m sure I’d find ways to spice things up even more than they already are. This is not intended to be a conceited statement but a purely factual one. Shamefully I know very little about politics but given the opportunity I will catch up just enough to be able to make fun of politicians just like I make fun of everyone else. After all politics is no different from the entertainment industry except entertainers are actually expected to entertain and politicians do so by accident. It seems easy enough. Just catch all their mistakes and wrongdoings and use it to your advantage. It might be wrong of us to hold their silly remarks against them but we do it anyway. Why? Because we can, right Obama? We are also willing and able (and bored and angry) and they are in our direct line of sight. How could our President do something wrong? Doesn’t he know people look up to him? He cannot disappoint! But he does, and will continue doing so until his term is up and what he does then will be irrelevant. My advice to him is that he save all the humiliating actions and sayings until he’s comfortably settled on some ranch and then write a book titled “All the stupid things I could’ve said and done but chose not to because of Diana’s advice” (of course I deserve a mention in the title of his upcoming book, did you think otherwise?).

   Who am I to intermingle with the likes of Stewart, Colbert and Obama you ask? My reply is simple. I am a person who’s kept quiet my whole life and finally decided to dispense her advice onto anyone and everyone. From now on I will intervene as much as I can and not because I’m passionate about things but simply to put my thoughts ‘out there’ (for lack of a specific address). Although I’m not a parent myself I will still tell those who are that they’re doing a so-so job. What’s to stop me? If I see you littering and I happen to be feeling particularly environmentally conscious that day then I will ask you to pick up your trash. My intentions are not to interfere in anyone’s business hence I will not stick around to see the outcome. It’s not like I will follow you home unless you do as I say but you WILL hear me out and you WILL do as I say. Whether you’re the most important person on the planet or the village idiot I will make my opinion known to you. I finally figured out that to make people listen while clouding their judgment enough to think you’re right is to just tell them to and sound confident about it. Don’t let your voice betray you by being shaky or faltering. I told Stewart and Colbert to have me on their show and they will. I told Obama to stop fooling around and he will. I will tell everyone else what I think they should or shouldn’t do and they will do it. Those who have conviction hold all the power.

Obama takes another bow

Is it me or is our President fond of some old school type of behavior? In the less civilized societies people used to bow, kiss other men’s hands, and dabble in other ludicrous and demeaning acts. Considering that we now live in a day and age when “change” is occurring, I should hope that means forward progression and not backward.

In my opinion, if one really must pay respects to someone older and presumably wiser, than a simple bow of the head should suffice, followed by a wink and smile. Why the President of the supposedly most powerful country in the world thinks that what he’s doing is correct is beyond me. Either he has some really bad advisors or he had a dream in which he saw that the quickest way to world peace is through complete humiliation symbolized by an act of exercising/yoga (that is halfway down dog I believe). What’s next? I certainly hope that a cure for famine is not achieved by doing head stands; nor is the quickest way to healthcare reform by jumping on the trampoline. No other world leader is doing it so it’s very avant-garde of Obama. Another possibility is that he’s just demonstrating that the number of bows taken is directly proportional to the amount of Nobel Peace Prizes one can accumulate, or that as a laureate, there is a minimum number of bows which must be completed. The possibilities are endless. He might’ve simply admired the Emperor’s wife's sense of style. Those kimonos are no match for a simple black suit. I particularly enjoyed the Emperor’s reaction to the bow. Under his marble expression he was probably thinking: ‘This fellow has totally lost it. Well I’m not getting down like that’. The Saudi King, I would imagine, is very disappointed. In his mind the bows were reserved only for his majesty. What will his reaction be? This new bow may very well cancel out the first bow and then what?

Basically while Obama works out, the whole world watches in amazement and awe. Some people are confused, others are inspired, conservatives are appalled, and I am simply amused.

A crack at being a critic

A while back I read a book called The Other Boleyn Girl. Drama, intrigue, and other excitements during King Henry Tudor’s rule. What’s not to like? I’ve later watched The Tudors and of course thought it matched the book, if not the actual history, perfectly. After that, research on Wikipedia ensued only to be soon forgotten since I, like everybody else, am of fickle nature and Mad Men was my latest prey. Having banished it from memory I recently watched The Tudors, season 2 because I happened to sign up for Netflix recently and was at a loss of what to view. I was instantaneously pulled back in, unexpectedly so since almost everyone was beheaded in season 1 and I had to get used to a whole new set of characters. As soon as I was done I watched the movie version of the above-mentioned book. Had I nothing to compare it to I might’ve liked it but, alas, The [damned] Tudors spoiled everything for me. The lengthy “mini” series told the same story in twenty hours as the movie told in two. The Other Boleyn Girl didn’t stand a chance. It is now known to me as The Other Tudors and Natalie Portman along with Scarlett Johansson did not appear more beautiful than the actresses from The Tudors. I am disappointed as well as overdosed by too much information about King Henry and his liaisons. I wish a book/movie of that nature existed for every boring historical period so that I may actually learn something while watching the main characters fornicate. I heard Albert Einstein was a womanizer. Imagine if we saw his life in the movies? For all we know he came up with the theory of relativity while running around the house naked, chasing some skirt. That would give a whole new meaning to E=MC2 and make it very interesting to watch.