To all the Almond Joys

The crazies are called mentally unstable. That is the vaguest thing I ever heard. If you ask me a memory lapse qualifies as instability. One day you remember shit and the next you don’t, well if that’s not unstable I don’t know what is. Having balance and coordination problems might be physical instability symptoms but they stem from the cerebellum not functioning properly. So, if you fall during a yoga class you’re mentally unstable. Same goes for those with vision/hearing problems, failure to feel pain and pretty much anyone whose neurotransmitters fail to send signals to the brain. Sorry but they’re all swept under this category. Why? Because they certainly are not stable, and if you’re not stable then you’re unstable. Pure and simple. I personally try to keep my mentality in a stable mode at all times because one slip up and you never know. A few simple mental exercises a day can do the trick. Just keep telling yourself that you’re stable and viola you’ve at least got yourself convinced. Convincing everyone else is basic. Just keep using LOL. Don’t know why but it works. So do smiley faces.
The loonies should instead be referred to as having a mood instability. Sometimes you’re in the mood to murder someone and sometimes not. That makes more sense. But why explain what Almond Joy/Mounds already told us: “sometimes you feel like a nut, sometimes you are”.

the self-sufficient buttocks

I can't stop wondering why people always tell you to "get your ass" somewhere. Is the rest of you not presentable enough to go along? Your mother might say "get your ass to the doctor" which is fine if you're going to a gastroenterologist, otherwise shouldn't my dentist also check my teeth? What I'm getting at is the fact that an ass cannot just be traveling on its own. It needs a chaperone. I've never once seen an ass get up and walk out and leave the rest of someone "sitting". Imagine waking up one morning to find your ass missing and a post-it "gone shopping honey, make yourself some coffee". I can see the usefulness of having such a responsible and well-trained butt to be able to run errands and do shit (pun intended) you don't wanna do. Even sending it to the bathroom by itself can be liberating. Unfortunately we have not reached that level of sophistication yet at this stage of evolution so we're just gonna have to wait before that happens (and when it does there will also be a Malcolm in the forefront among them pushing for ass liberation from all the slave labor they'll be doing). Now an ass is like an underage kid and must present some form of ID in the shape of your face.

el shipo no sinko

Why is it that even though planes are the safest way to travel there are all these rules and instructions that accompany every commute from the moment you enter one airport to the moment you arrive at another one? How come the safety instructions are a bit more lax on boats? You get on a cruise ship and there's no detailed instructional video with survival techniques. You are simply pointed in the general direction of the lifeboats (not enough for everyone so first jump first serve) and possibly given a life vest. Why? Because everyone knows that if something goes awry (which it probably will) the sinking vessel will generate a powerful enough whirlpool to take down you and your flotation device with it. If disaster does strike some lucky bastard will end up sitting in his lifeboat with his life vest on while someone else will look on in admiration. The designer of the Titanic tried to fool everyone with "this ship is unsinkable" bullshit but after everyone watched Dicaprio's face disappear into the clear blue water during nighttime the lies have ceased. We all know by now that if it floats, it's sinkable. Also if you're a man more bad news for you. While the women and children get all the vests and boats your ass is wondering if you can still climb on that iceberg.
Potential doom is the reason why Tom? Cruise ships have everything you can ever imagine on board. In case it's your last trip you can go down a happy camper. There is an overabundance and excess of everything. Alcoholics can drink nonstop, the obese can eat, the gamblers can gamble, the sunbathers can tan, etc. Think of any possible vice that's bad for you in small quantities and multiply that amount by some huge number and you'll get an idea of your total exposure while on vacation. The attacks on your health stop short of unlimited radiation dosage due to immediate expiration instead of give or take a few years. Be aware folks! Boats are not safe. There are tsunamis, icebergs, potential sinking, and who knows what else involved. If the Titanic taught us anything it's the fact that there can be a dancing polar bear on a melting ice cap flailing his soon-to-be extinct paws for your ship to get out the way and your ship will still ram into him. At least you can occupy yourself at the all-you-can-eat buffet during the hour-long submersion into the water.

If those potential calamities are not enough there's a new thing to worry about that I recently came across. If you should fall ill during the journey (I mean there's really no reason why you should after a week long gorge and drink fest but lets say you do for the sake of argument), the emergency team may "accidentally" drop you into the icy waters of the Atlantic in the attempt to transfer you onto another boat. This actually happened and to a senior citizen no less. Basically you start off under the weather and end up under the water. Well if that's the case then I suggest taking your chances on the mother ship until you dock on some island with a stellar healthcare system. Malaria beats out hypothermia any day in my opinion.

The FU train (U keeping mum like the K in knife)

The F train is on my shit list. It's a 2 second walk from my building and I'm convinced that the conductors hide their trains around the bend and stake out my back entrance in order to quickly pull up to and away from the station just as my foot crosses the threshold. My orange sneaker acts as a green light, or better yet, a shot before the sprint, to them. Needless to say this gives me insufficient time to make it but more than enough time before the next train arrives 10-15 min later. Upon the next train's arrival I almost feel the conductor's disappointment for having just missed this precious chance to F with me. Every day, no matter what time I leave the house this happens so that's how I know it's on purpose. If it was an occasional occurrence I'd attribute it to my schmuck luck but a daily basis type of deal is evidence enough for a trial. This kind of situation makes me want to call the ThreeJasons (secret society the real name of which I'm afraid to mention) and ask to be taken off "the list" (if you're on "the list" you're shit out of luck and guaranteed to just miss the train for the rest of your life.) Maybe I'm not the only one. Chances are there is one designated asshole per station that must be made to miss the train he wanted to take no matter what. In fact, I'm pretty sure there are a bunch of us (a sufficient enough number to qualify for a support group) each of whom misses the train by a different interval of time. The folks who have it the worst constantly miss it by a hair just as the door slams in their disbelieving faces.
Maybe someone is trying to drive the point home that you're just too slow. Maybe it's a metaphor for yet another missed opportunity. "Here you want this train right here? With these new shiny polished carts? With the guarantee of no delays? Too late it's gone". Better luck next time.

Why is there an "I'm a Mormon video ad" on my blog?

I keep waiting for that check from Google for letting them post their ads in my personal space and it's like waiting for the tooth fairy. If ye shall perchance stumble upon this trusty forsaken blog kindly do the following: click on the ads before you read my posts. In fact, I forbid ANYONE to read my highly entertaining posts unless they have clicked on whatever Google deemed suitable to place on the right and bottom of the screen.
P.S. I did not make up the title. There really is an "I'm a Mormon" ad on my blog. Who can I inform that "I'm a Jew?"

Observation

Have you ever noticed how if you’re successful and happy everyone wants to be your friend but secretly (in some cases outwardly) hates you? On the other hand if you’re a miserable loser everyone feels sorry for you and seems to like you but doesn’t want to be around you. This is always true without exceptions. Personally I prefer option number two any day. Life seems easier that way. There are no commitments, no responsibilities, no one to answer to and nowhere to go but up. But why bother going anywhere? You are exactly where you are meant to be so find yourself a warm place to plant your hopeless bottom and enjoy the show. Keep a watchful eye on everything that goes on around you, be the observer and not the participant, cower behind the front row of the ground troops while they battle it out. After all you’re the weakest link and you’ve got nothing to prove. Doesn’t that take the pressure right off? Critics will argue saying that’s no way to live. Don’t pay them any attention. Do what’s right for you. The higher you strive the further you can potentially fall but the lower you aim the firmer your feet are planted on the ground. No messy gravitational interventions and no disappointments. I find more and more proof of this daily. The homeless men lie on the benches or ride the trains with smiles on their faces while the hard-working class of people show signs of stress in the form of veins bulging, pulses escalating, and fuses blowing at the Starbucks workers for putting one less spoon of sugar into their drink than necessary.
Warning: This lifestyle not intended for everyone. If you are an overachiever please consult your parents at the first signs of depression, anxiety, heart attack and or stroke due to too much free time on your hands and not enough trophies/medals.