Losing your religion, courtesy of REM

When is it safe to assume that a person believes in God or is religious? A friend of mine always says to me “this book is about God and religion so you’ll like it”. Finally I retorted with “Why do you assume I will like it?” and her response was “Because you’re always asking ‘why are we here’ and ‘what’s the point of it all, blah blah’”(the ‘blah blah’ could’ve been referring to “what’s a good laxative?” because I’m always asking about that too). Well so what? Doesn’t everyone ask those same questions at some point or other? I mean inquiring minds want to know. The ones who are not asking have it all figured out and are living underground waiting for the rest of us to catch up. Besides I’m asking those things while being open to any possibility while she automatically assumes they have something to do with God. So which one of us is religious?
Does a person have to observe customs or traditions or frequent a building with the appropriate sign in the front to be considered religious? Also if a non-Jew enters a synagogue will they be considered religious? What if a man prays in the comfort and privacy of his own home? Can someone be religious without having a particular religion? Moreover, if it has been established that someone is religious and wants to go somewhere where he can talk to God, where should they go? All faiths are divided up holding hands with each other as if practicing for a fire drill so they know which exit to take when the apocalyptic fire erupts. God forbid everyone should take the same one; there’s no room. It’s not enough to wonder if God created us at all but we also have to establish which God’s fault it was. Meanwhile Allah, Jesus and Yehweh are all playing poker and assigning the blame to each other.
The three main religions are in constant search for new members and when they’re not recruiting they’re busy telling people to get out. Jews are the chosen ones and if you haven’t already been chosen then you can’t have my winning lottery ticket. The synagogue has to display some signs in the front like: “DO NOT ENTER, if you do not have a receipt stamped ‘chosen’”. Since people always forget to read the fine print they will try to enter anyway. At this point a sign like: “BEWARE OF JEWS” or “USE CAUTION, JEWS AT PRAY” may suffice. If someone chooses to enter a mosque they must read the sign: “IF YOU ENTER BE PREPARED TO STRAP ONE ON (no we are not talking about a dildo), and please leave your slippers outside”.
So regarding who is to be considered religious so far we can only speculate but the range seems to be from simply asking “why am I here?” to blowing ourselves up hoping for something better on the other side.

Unrequited love

It’s no secret that Jews have always been loved and admired throughout the ages. What might seem like acts of terror are really hidden kindnesses similar to those a loving parent would use on his child to teach them a lesson. The following people have been perceived as heartless anti-Semites but it’s time to clear their names.

Moses’s brother the Pharaoh
How much do you have to love somebody not to want to part with them? In this instance Moses had to beg and plead to be granted leave, along with 40,000 of his closest friends. I’m almost thirty, but when I ask my parents to go away for some time they say “no”-out of their love for and attachment to me. Much like them, this particular Pharaoh loved his little alien nation so much that he withstood all kinds of tortures to be able to keep them. I mean, who in their right mind would jump right in the middle of two giant tsunamis after someone they didn’t care about, except a loving mother? Moses utilized his best Jewish intimidation techniques: sending the plagues by night and then coming by the next morning and politely inquiring whether he’s free to go yet. The Pharaoh should’ve learned when to cut the cord.

Mel Gibson
Who knew? All this time the guy was harboring his Lethal Weapons-to be unleashed at a later date. He was obviously on a three step program to cure his Jew addiction. Step one: make a movie portraying Jews in a less than favorable light. This one was the hardest step and the poor fella relapsed and denied any and all such intentions. Step two: get drunk and stupid-nothing to do with Jews but always helps in crises, except after an AA meeting. Step three: accuse the Jews of being the culprits of all the world’s woes. Psht. That’s not debasement, it’s historical quotes uttered millions of times before, which at least prove that Mel was an avid follower of current (and past) events and there actually may have been a historical basis for Braveheart.

A bunch of Adolfs
Turns out that if your first name is Adolf, you’re not gonna be a fan. Also turns out, you’re not gonna end well. In a game of Pinky and the Brain style world domination schemes the Jews will always be the Brain so that only leaves Pinky. Shout out to all the Adolf’s out there!

The Big Spill

I admit it. I am clumsy and I spill, drop, stain, and pollute things all the time, but I’m not responsible for the fiasco in the Gulf. I’m still not completely sure who is. I say keep blaming Bush. Who cares if he’s no longer our President? Just keep on blaming that poor sucker till he retaliates by invading your neighbor’s house. I am concerned about the environmental impact of the matter. Do I want to consume fish that’s been lubed up? Not really. Especially if it’s also full of mercury. Lord have mercy on my ulcerous stomach. Am I interested to see what kind of mutations might arise as a result of this disaster? Maybe a little. A two-headed Loch Ness might be kind of cool. One head goes under water but you still got a chance of photographing the other one. Now I see why those things prefer the fresh waters of Ireland. More low key. The poor amphibians. I feel sorry for them. No wonder the Little Mermaid wanted to be a part of our world. She was like “Screw this. Take my tail, my voice, all my stolen artifacts, I’m out”. The sea dwellers are sick of constantly having to put up with our human debacles. If a ship doesn’t dump oil and a factory fails to contribute toxic waste, then sure enough some pipe will burst.
I keep imagining scuba divers or snorkelers passing by just as a load of oil covered them. “I know it’s our honeymoon Jim but what the hell? I asked you to save those games for the hotel room”. They were staying at Share-a-ton.
I’m also horrible at cleaning stuff up. Once the deed is done and there’s a horrible mess I use one of the following tactics: either pretend like I have no idea what’s happening and run in the other direction or half-assedly cover it up and hope for the best. I have a lot in common with the BP (whoever that is but they seem to be overly involved). How hard can this be people? Oil and water don’t mix! Just take out the part that’s oil and leave the rest. I was hoping to limit my advice to relationships and entertainment but looks like I have to expand my horizons and start a column as the voice for all the environmentalists out there.

Confession

I am harboring some mean-spirited feelings towards a new co-worker of mine. He is squeaky-clean, polite, pleasant and hard-working. Everybody else loves him. I want to send him back to Pleasantville, where he came from. This Stepford husband has just started his employment with our firm and he already managed to make all employees fall in love with him. I’m watching him closely and so far I have not seen him spraying love potion in the office. I don’t know what it is he does but I don’t believe the word “no” exists in his vocabulary. It’s the pre-programmed “Yes, Sir!, Right away M’am”. Needless to say that this kind of response automatically elicits a twitch in my arm, desperately trying to make contact with his face. The funny thing is he is extremely likeable. A diabetic’s worst nightmare, so sweet and saccharine that it will make anyone’s blood sugar rise. The skeptic in me wonders how anyone can possibly act that way and be genuine. Doggonit he IS genuine. Perfectly parted hair to the side, well-groomed and neatly-dressed. Whatever this boy scout’s selling, everyone’s buying. I help him out if the need arises. It may be hard to believe but I am a good person at heart. What I am far from though is picture perfect. My grooming habits are halfway-decent, I like to sleep in most days of the week and I do my best work after returning from lunch with a belly full of wine. I bet this kid doesn’t even know what alcohol tastes like. He doesn’t seem Amish but he sure acts it. For his sake I hope he’s a cult member. Only The Illuminati or Masons can brainwash someone to that extreme. I’ve never been so conflicted in my life. Just when I’m on the brink of clubbing him over the head I see his puppy dog micky blue eyes and my fist relaxes while I now struggle not to pet his perfectly arranged hair.