Losing your religion, courtesy of REM

When is it safe to assume that a person believes in God or is religious? A friend of mine always says to me “this book is about God and religion so you’ll like it”. Finally I retorted with “Why do you assume I will like it?” and her response was “Because you’re always asking ‘why are we here’ and ‘what’s the point of it all, blah blah’”(the ‘blah blah’ could’ve been referring to “what’s a good laxative?” because I’m always asking about that too). Well so what? Doesn’t everyone ask those same questions at some point or other? I mean inquiring minds want to know. The ones who are not asking have it all figured out and are living underground waiting for the rest of us to catch up. Besides I’m asking those things while being open to any possibility while she automatically assumes they have something to do with God. So which one of us is religious?
Does a person have to observe customs or traditions or frequent a building with the appropriate sign in the front to be considered religious? Also if a non-Jew enters a synagogue will they be considered religious? What if a man prays in the comfort and privacy of his own home? Can someone be religious without having a particular religion? Moreover, if it has been established that someone is religious and wants to go somewhere where he can talk to God, where should they go? All faiths are divided up holding hands with each other as if practicing for a fire drill so they know which exit to take when the apocalyptic fire erupts. God forbid everyone should take the same one; there’s no room. It’s not enough to wonder if God created us at all but we also have to establish which God’s fault it was. Meanwhile Allah, Jesus and Yehweh are all playing poker and assigning the blame to each other.
The three main religions are in constant search for new members and when they’re not recruiting they’re busy telling people to get out. Jews are the chosen ones and if you haven’t already been chosen then you can’t have my winning lottery ticket. The synagogue has to display some signs in the front like: “DO NOT ENTER, if you do not have a receipt stamped ‘chosen’”. Since people always forget to read the fine print they will try to enter anyway. At this point a sign like: “BEWARE OF JEWS” or “USE CAUTION, JEWS AT PRAY” may suffice. If someone chooses to enter a mosque they must read the sign: “IF YOU ENTER BE PREPARED TO STRAP ONE ON (no we are not talking about a dildo), and please leave your slippers outside”.
So regarding who is to be considered religious so far we can only speculate but the range seems to be from simply asking “why am I here?” to blowing ourselves up hoping for something better on the other side.