The Big Spill

I admit it. I am clumsy and I spill, drop, stain, and pollute things all the time, but I’m not responsible for the fiasco in the Gulf. I’m still not completely sure who is. I say keep blaming Bush. Who cares if he’s no longer our President? Just keep on blaming that poor sucker till he retaliates by invading your neighbor’s house. I am concerned about the environmental impact of the matter. Do I want to consume fish that’s been lubed up? Not really. Especially if it’s also full of mercury. Lord have mercy on my ulcerous stomach. Am I interested to see what kind of mutations might arise as a result of this disaster? Maybe a little. A two-headed Loch Ness might be kind of cool. One head goes under water but you still got a chance of photographing the other one. Now I see why those things prefer the fresh waters of Ireland. More low key. The poor amphibians. I feel sorry for them. No wonder the Little Mermaid wanted to be a part of our world. She was like “Screw this. Take my tail, my voice, all my stolen artifacts, I’m out”. The sea dwellers are sick of constantly having to put up with our human debacles. If a ship doesn’t dump oil and a factory fails to contribute toxic waste, then sure enough some pipe will burst.
I keep imagining scuba divers or snorkelers passing by just as a load of oil covered them. “I know it’s our honeymoon Jim but what the hell? I asked you to save those games for the hotel room”. They were staying at Share-a-ton.
I’m also horrible at cleaning stuff up. Once the deed is done and there’s a horrible mess I use one of the following tactics: either pretend like I have no idea what’s happening and run in the other direction or half-assedly cover it up and hope for the best. I have a lot in common with the BP (whoever that is but they seem to be overly involved). How hard can this be people? Oil and water don’t mix! Just take out the part that’s oil and leave the rest. I was hoping to limit my advice to relationships and entertainment but looks like I have to expand my horizons and start a column as the voice for all the environmentalists out there.