Tuesday, May 3, 2011

el shipo no sinko

Why is it that even though planes are the safest way to travel there are all these rules and instructions that accompany every commute from the moment you enter one airport to the moment you arrive at another one? How come the safety instructions are a bit more lax on boats? You get on a cruise ship and there's no detailed instructional video with survival techniques. You are simply pointed in the general direction of the lifeboats (not enough for everyone so first jump first serve) and possibly given a life vest. Why? Because everyone knows that if something goes awry (which it probably will) the sinking vessel will generate a powerful enough whirlpool to take down you and your flotation device with it. If disaster does strike some lucky bastard will end up sitting in his lifeboat with his life vest on while someone else will look on in admiration. The designer of the Titanic tried to fool everyone with "this ship is unsinkable" bullshit but after everyone watched Dicaprio's face disappear into the clear blue water during nighttime the lies have ceased. We all know by now that if it floats, it's sinkable. Also if you're a man more bad news for you. While the women and children get all the vests and boats your ass is wondering if you can still climb on that iceberg.
Potential doom is the reason why Tom? Cruise ships have everything you can ever imagine on board. In case it's your last trip you can go down a happy camper. There is an overabundance and excess of everything. Alcoholics can drink nonstop, the obese can eat, the gamblers can gamble, the sunbathers can tan, etc. Think of any possible vice that's bad for you in small quantities and multiply that amount by some huge number and you'll get an idea of your total exposure while on vacation. The attacks on your health stop short of unlimited radiation dosage due to immediate expiration instead of give or take a few years. Be aware folks! Boats are not safe. There are tsunamis, icebergs, potential sinking, and who knows what else involved. If the Titanic taught us anything it's the fact that there can be a dancing polar bear on a melting ice cap flailing his soon-to-be extinct paws for your ship to get out the way and your ship will still ram into him. At least you can occupy yourself at the all-you-can-eat buffet during the hour-long submersion into the water.

If those potential calamities are not enough there's a new thing to worry about that I recently came across. If you should fall ill during the journey (I mean there's really no reason why you should after a week long gorge and drink fest but lets say you do for the sake of argument), the emergency team may "accidentally" drop you into the icy waters of the Atlantic in the attempt to transfer you onto another boat. This actually happened and to a senior citizen no less. Basically you start off under the weather and end up under the water. Well if that's the case then I suggest taking your chances on the mother ship until you dock on some island with a stellar healthcare system. Malaria beats out hypothermia any day in my opinion.

No comments: