Beware of hidden vitamin killers

Ah, the pleasantries of going through the dreaded physical exam. In the past week, I’ve been tested, prodded, pinned and needled, sampled, and interrogated. My arms swelled, my eyes bulged, and my skin chapped. I’ve never been more beautiful.
Still the experts have not been able to determine what ails me. The best they’ve come up with was a severe vitamin D deficiency. I turned to google for worst case scenarios. It turns out that besides a futile attempt at ruining my looks, this quiet culprit boosts the chances of diabetes and osteoporosis. Thankfully, this can all be avoided by basking in some UV radiation. While deficiency is bad, so is an overabundance. I have to choose carefully. Milk or cod liver oil? Supplements or tanning salons? The prospect of my treatment alone, gets me excited. Yesterday at lunch, once I heard the disturbing diagnosis, I flew out the back of my building, threw off my sunglasses, and sprawled out on the cold stony bench (obviously also having a problem with Vitamin D absorption). The patrons of the same building were casually eating lunch (oblivious to my condition) and taking up all the space, which could’ve been used by those with a real “D-isability”. I’ve noticed that people only start caring about a particular cause once it directly affects them. They set up charities, donate to research, hold press conferences-all for “the cure”. I am thinking of becoming the voice for all the vitamin D deficients out there. I will start small, like posting signs, not unlike the ones we see on the subways every day, on the beaches and other sunny areas. “Get your healthy butt outta here and make some room for your fellow brethren, who may be in danger of osteoporosis. Oh yeah, it’s the law!” If you have a fair complexion, the consequences may either be a blessing or a curse. On the one hand, you will always have a seat if you look too pale and sickly. On the other, you will finally see how many people consider you pale and sickly.