Motivational speech

Feeling stressed and underappreciated? It’s your own fault. Learn how to screw the system and milk it for what it’s worth. Working a dead-end job? Take two-hour lunches and leave as early as possible. Take acting classes and learn to lie. These tools are very useful. Lie to everyone you meet. Talk yourself up. Describe the person you want to be instead of the schmuck you really are. The key to making everyone love you is lying and pretending -do it with assertiveness and seriousness. Don’t get me wrong laughing is allowed and schmoozing and fake smiling, but at the right moments. Even bouts of ass-kissing is acceptable but only when necessary. The majority of the time should be spent rejecting all the brownnoses following you around. Become the corrupt, evil, fake conscience-free leader you always wanted to be. Only care about yourself and your needs. Make sure others put you first. Live it up! Spend someone’s cash (never your own!). Press the delete button on all the bad opinions/comments about you which occasionally resurface in your memory. Focus. When someone tries to take advantage of you beat them to it and turn the tables. Suck all the juices out of life! Mess with everyone, trust no one. Develop a dependency on drugs and alcohol and smoke ‘on occasion’ to check that option off at the doctor’s office. Respect your organs but give them what they want. Be clean and be as dirty as possible. Connect with people, never apologize. Always do what is pleasing to you and ignore others’ complaints. Follow this advice and be happy. Achieve inner peace and a sense of security. Take yoga and meditate. Levitate to the next level. Announce your arrival and grand entrance to potential admirers. Kiss but never tolerate. Judge but never be judged. You are entitled to your superiority. Convince yourself that you can do it. Live the dream! Abandon fear and rejection. Congratulations, you’ve finally made it!