Don't even think of suing me

After many years of drinking from the half-empty glass, I am now going to perish from thirst because the glass is now completely depleted. On the bright side my dependence on coca-cola will hopefully subside. Coke (the drink) is the root of all evil. Since people don’t believe medical articles I will give a layman’s perspective on the dangers of this popular beverage. After drinking a can I feel like I’m about to burst and float away from all he accumulation within me and I can literally feel my stomach lining eroding while I type this. Since its color is brown I will only take an educated guess at the ingredients which make up this 9th world wonder. Most of it is gas, which becomes trapped and has nowhere to go so I tend to wobble a bit. The rest is sugar. No wonder I feel so hyper. Maybe if I was lighter I would actually fly off somewhere in a very excited state. If you are interested in living a long and healthy life, this drink must be banned. Experiments showed that it can melt bones in a dew days time. Your teeth can and will melt right off your gums just as you’re about to enter your dentist’s office. Don’t worry he will manage to find a cavity somewhere in your mouth anyway. If you’re a smoker disregard this message since you’re obviously not interested in a denture-free and healthy existence. Before Pepsi gets overly excited I would like to add it to “the list”. I’m assuming that it’s just as hazardous only with a bit more sugar added (in a feeble attempt to outdo its competitor). I took the Pepsi challenge and realized it tastes much worse than coke so the benefits are rapidly accumulating for this industry giant. This is my contribution to healthy living and a brand new you; however if you must rot, choose coke.