Your Harvard bound child

Staring into space for prolonged periods of time may seem unfortunate to you, but to some it’s a life-sustaining activity. Telltale sign things are really bad is if it happens during their kindergarten performance while everyone else is busy shakin’ it. Diagnosis: space cadet. While annoying in a kid, this quality can become downright irritable in an adult. Imagine being defended by an attorney who finds the wall behind your head infinitely more interesting than the brilliant way you murdered those people with poor listening skills? The mute staring at the judge/jury with a slight look of disgust that they showed up won’t help your case either.
Don’t worry things could be worse. You may end up with a know-it-all pessimist. This fellow acts like they’ve been there, done that and there’s nothing good waiting for them in the future. The sad part is they’re right. What other conclusion can they reach after staring at you all day? No point in sending out any Ivy League applications with an overwhelming sense of imminent rejection. After one too many “Why did you give birth to me?” questions, you’ll start to wonder that yourself. Then again, there’s nothing more fashionable than a toddler on suicide watch.
If you still don’t think you’ve got your hands full with your little Debbie Downer, prepare yourself for the marathon man. Don’t get any ideas about athletic abilities. If you’ve never been able to walk a few steps without losing your breath, chances are your kid is not going to be the next Olympic champion in track and field. There is reason to worry, contrary to what experts think. Running around the pre-school locker room slamming doors or down the street into oncoming traffic are not just a normal part of growing up. The underlying issue is obviously fruitless pursuit of an escape route.
Like Vanessa William’s man I saved the best for last. Split personality disorder can be both extremely entertaining as well as inappropriate. Your kid is shy at a party but the loudest creature in the room at the doctor’s office. You try your best to get him to make the switch only to be disappointed. I can state with 100% accuracy that as an adult he will be either loved or hated (depending on which personality is being employed at the time of acquaintance). The outgoing persona is usually accompanied by a sense of humor, while the recluse comes with all of the above.

PHD in pediatric psychoses with just enough expertise not to jump from the ledge