Feeling bitter?

I find the whole literary industry catering to the needs and wants of pregnant women a bit irritating. There are books titled: What to Expect When You’re Expecting. Who is this supposed to help? If anything this might potentially kill some hopes and dreams of people who have high expectations. For instance, if you were expecting an easy pregnancy, followed by a quick and painless delivery, an understanding husband (if your offspring was lucky enough to be legitimized before its conception by a couple of signatures and some public outbursts), and a happy, healthy baby who loves you no matter what then these books are definitely not for you. There is not a single chapter in any such book that is going to sound remotely positive for these hopefuls. Instead it’s going to talk about gas and how it’s on the rise, again. Why do pregnant women need a book telling them that they should expect to have severe bloating and vomiting? Can’t this be kept a surprise? The proud parents are not unlike the CIA. They already know the sex, the name and social security number of their placenta-dwelling baby and are thus fully equipped to steal their kid’s identity sometime in the future. Other animals don’t need this kind of information. They give birth like they do everything else, without even blinking an eye. But humans need confirmation that the morning sickness they suffer from has already been endured by countless others to be put at ease because nothing is worse then solitude in suffering. There are even books for husbands of expecting women telling them that their wives are going to act even worse then usual and to take it like a man. Didn’t these guys already take vows stating ‘for better or worse?’ Well worse is here so just take it; don’t buy a book to tell you to take it. It all comes down to this: Women are spoiled, selfish and just looking for excuses for their horrible behavior and reasons to extract more special treatment. Men are spoiled, selfish and just looking for excuses to get the hell out of the house when their wives are just being themselves.

My message to the women is: You are equipped with the internet, your mother, your mother-in-law, your friends, television, past knowledge and experience, and commons sense, there’s no need for any pregnancy and childcare-related books.

If these books do not cease to exist then I demand that someone write a book called What to Expect When You’re Not Expecting. Hey, if I’m not pregnant I need to know that whatever’s happening to my body at any given moment is normal. This someone needs to map out my daily burping schedule so it doesn’t come as a shock. At least when a pregnant woman throws up during her commute she has an excuse and a seat handy but what if that happens to a non-pregnant woman? She will be stabbed with daggers of hatred towards alcoholics and excommunicated from the cart, forcing her to take an earlier/later train. This is quite an inconvenience when it comes to morning travel for work. It seems that I am in a constant quest to even out the jagged views imposed by society. Hey, someone, if you can hear me, this is my official request for books for women who cannot hide behind the unborn.