What’s on the menu?

Restaurant goers can all agree that visiting a place for the first time can be stressful. Will my party be seated near the restroom? What will the atmosphere be like? Will candles be used to induce romance even if I’m sitting by myself? What will they serve? Whatever it is, will it be fresh? Will it cause an allergic reaction or something worse? Will my neighbors be chatty and loud? Am I going to crave all the dishes served to everyone else except for mine? Will my co-diners eat their greasy meals with their fingers? Should I give them the green light to do so? Should I pretend to know how to use the knife and fork together? Must I feign a laugh and quickly glance over at my neighbors to see if they’re listening to my conversation with myself? Is alcohol a necessity to help alleviate the symptoms of e-coli poisoning? Did everyone enjoy what they ordered? What’s for dessert? Is dessert necessary after four appetizers, two entrees and the bread basket of initiation? Where is the check? Why are the waiters smiling so cunningly as they bring me the bill? Should I leave a tip on a meal, the cost of which could’ve fed the whole restaurant (including the nosy neighbors)? Is the tip already included under a clever service charge pseudonym? Do I leave cash or credit? Do I use my nice signature or scribble whatever letters I can remember after the brutal consumption of alcohol? Should I leave smiling if the service was bad or tell those poor bus-boys the truth and threaten deportation? Do I recommend this place to anyone else or keep it as my special secret? Am I the only one with these thoughts throughout the whole duration of dinner?