Chillin’ in medieval times

I’ve always felt that I was not born in the right era and belong elsewhere. Don’t get me wrong, the modern times are as good as it gets but sometimes I wish time travel was possible. I would program my machine to around 1500 AD, Europe. Undoubtedly I’d immediately be labeled a witch because of my Nostradamus-like yapping and general scare tactics, along with a disheveled appearance, but all is fair in time travel.

Their dress code would be the best part of the whole experience since all the women had to show cleavage, whether they had some or not, and nobody relied on Victoria Secret push-up bras. Corsets were tight and the dresses long, guaranteeing a small waist and a hint of virtue. For the wealthy, (which is the circle I’d like to pertain to since I travel in style), the hairdos/wigs were extravagant and the jewelry blinding. The earrings, watches, and chains of today’s rappers don’t hold a candle to the bling of the royal families. I picture getting set up with a man dressed in business casual attire: a wig, capri pants, white, knee high socks, and rings on all fingers, while I wear sweatpants and a messy bun. We would go hang out  by the pond adjacent to his castle and feed some ducks (I'm no gold digger but if I'm doing all this traveling his ad better say "castle owner").

Which brings me to the next best thing: the gardens with all the little alleyways for secret meetings. Taking a stroll in one of those would definitely put the most unromantic person in the mood to write love sonnets. If my writing career wouldn’t have taken off then, it’s definitely hopeless now.

Another wonderful aspect of that era is that women (and rich people in general) had nothing to do, because they were unemployed, but gossip and plot revenge all day long. I’m not talking about the kind of gossip that little old ladies share with each other. These were some serious and potentially dangerous conversations with the consequences of facing the guillotine. No biggie. Everyone really had some balls. They didn’t have recruiters calling them to inquire about their employment status because there were two options: executed or still plotting…If I knew that my plot to overthrow Bush and replace him with Obama could result in torture and then beheading I’d keep it to myself rather than calling all my friends over for a party and divulging my true opinions in a drunken stupor. I’d have to give up partying and drinking altogether and sit home with my dress to impress and potentially homosexual boyfriend.

Leave it to me to point out the darker side of this seemingly innocent period. As we all know by now, I am extremely paranoid, and having someone constantly taste my food for poison before I eat it would not sit well with me at all-especially if that someone would always topple over dead. On the other hand, if that kind of tactic doesn’t beat Weight Watchers, I don’t know what does.

Come to think of it the bad outweighs the good. Besides the danger of “treason for no reason”, there were numerous diseases to worry about. The plague was almost as bad as swine flu. Nobody wanted it but if someone sneezed in your face and you didn’t have a mask then congratulations, you just saved a bunch of money on your horse  insurance. Again, this proves the courageous nature of these folks. They stepped over corpses rotting on their premises and never bothered to remove them for fear of being sued.

Admittedly I’m not equipped to deal with all the hazards people back then faced. Vacation plans cancelled, no refund.