Close encounters

Alien abductions are not bullshit! They do occur. I am of the opinion that we’ve all been abducted at least once in our lives. Sometimes they take you back for the second time if they enjoyed the jokes you’ve been telling them while on the operating table. “Did you hear the one about the aliens?” No? Let me fill you in.” They must have a sense of humor and it better be more evolved than ours. That’s some serious pressure to live up to their expectations. I don’t know about you but I’ve been throwing together some materials just in case they unexpectedly arrive so I won’t be caught off guard. As soon as I see flashing lights outside my window I’m gonna grab my folder full of provocative, cutting-edge entertainment specifically tailored to alien tastes and start waving frantically to signal that I’m ready.  I bet they’ll be so surprised! The last guy they visited was shocked, scared and even tried to run. "What’s wrong with this woman?" they’ll think. She looks like she’s genuinely interested to come aboard. Well, third window from the right, come on down! Once I’m up there I will give them some good old American names and start utilizing my time in (under) the spotlight the right way.
Upon my return I will be a local celebrity. “How was it up there?" "It was alright". "What did you guys talk about?" "Politics and religion, the two safest topics".

After my trip it will be established that aliens are benevolent and people will be hanging all kinds of posters outside their houses to attract attention. PLEASE TAKE ME WITH YOU I GOT NOTHING GOING ON HERE will be sold at every grocery store on the block. The aliens will be sorry they came in the first place. Their plan of secretly abducting us for medical research is seriously being tempered with. They are now viewed as a ride at an amusement park. They will become agitated but then mellow out. Who are these creatures so easily willing to abandon their planet and go through a million light years of immigration, learn a new way of communication through their belly buttons and marry out of their species when their parents specifically narrowed it down to a white, Jehovah’s Witness?
Our planet will become the most visited in the whole universe! Whoever came will fly away spreading the word that these people need to be observed because "nowhere else will you find a more peculiar and fascinating place as Earth" (according to the Twilight Zone narrator).