Interview skills

Lately, I’ve been reading so many “useful” tips on how to land a good job and they all make me sick. Look your best, firm handshake, warm and genuine smile, openness, etc… Ok so lets say this mythical creature does exist, what the hell is the other 99.9% of the population supposed to do? Why don’t we just bypass all the figurative brown-nosing and get to the real deal. We may as well drop on our knees the second we walk in, pull down the interviewer’s pants and kiss his/her bare bottom. At the end of each “helpful” suggestion list there is always a phrase: “Remember, you are also asking questions and determining whether the job is right for you, so it’s really a two-way street”. Really? Is that why I’m sitting here sweating, coughing, forgetting the English language and demonstrating symptoms of down syndrome, while the person sitting across the table with various awards and pictures depicting their world travels is calmly assessing my neuroticism with their arms neatly folded, and looking at my resume is if it’s the most despicable, not to mention unreadable document (which it must be since they keep asking me about my experiences and education which has been clearly outlined with bullet points)and taking phone calls from their two-year old? The argument that this is a two-way street is further weakened by the fact that while the interviewer is digging for gold in my X-files I’m supposed to keep mum about salary, insurance, vacation, and such hush-hush, not to be discussed topics. I’ve got news for you ABC Corp.: those are the only things that interest me! That’s all I need to know to determine whether this company is right for me. I don’t care about my duties, who I’ll be working with and why, my boss’s family vacations, etc. But mostly I just need this job. Not want but need. If I didn’t, I wouldn’t be here hyperventilating with anticipation of being your humble servant. There, hire me now.
This so-called meeting of the potential employer and employee may as well be conducted in a good ol’ torture chamber. It would be just as prolonged and painful. “Are you references real? Either confess that your experience is fake or be boiled alive. Your choice. If we do find that your experience was in fact real after you’ve been hanged, don’t worry you will be pronounced a national hero and honored accordingly, alas posthumously”. Needless to say, no one will come out of there with a job. Pretty much like today.
I’d make a few changes to this unnecessarily torturous process. At least if the atmosphere was different, say a candlelit dinner for two, at a five-star restaurant I’d be more disposed to “tell them about myself”. I feel much more at ease telling my future employer about my abilities after a glass or two of the most expensive wine (which they’re buying by the way, I mean which one of us has a job?). The key is to throw fairy dust in their face all evening until they’re almost positive that there has never been, or ever will be a better candidate for this particular position. Whether or not you can actually do what you say is another story. You learn on the job. After all, we’re all inquisitive creatures by nature and there’s no reason we can’t ask how to make a copy every ten to twenty minutes. Good luck and let Obama (the pro) be with you!

Thou shalt not reproduce after your spouse is gone

So the good news is that I don’t live in Iran. With my luck I’d be stoned to death for just standing there watching someone else getting stoned to death and not contributing. However, the adulterous widow who is actually about to be stoned to death isn’t so lucky. That poor woman! It’s hard enough trying to get some while only being able to flirt with your eyes but now she’s getting punished for succeeding? If the same laws applied in the U.S. we’d all be sitting in our respective holes buried to our necks with no one left to cast the first stone. Then the situation gets more grim. The alcoholic, half-lesbian, jailbird to be, Lindsey Lohan, is petitioning for the widow’s release. That’s right Iran. You listen to the woman who broke every rule in the Koran five times over and should’ve been stoned even in this country (which she was most of the time). What does it take to be punished here? Join the wrong sports team? Lohan was finally sentenced to prison and is about to compete with Paris Hilton for shortest amount of time spent behind bars. It’s like they’re walked into the cell and the doors shut behind them only to reopen a second later with the words: “So, you rich, nastily-beautiful semi-celebrity, had enough soul-searching for one lifetime? Did some serious self-reflection in there? Well you’re out. Go back to the filthy rich house you came from. And take your dog with you”. Lindsey will ask for more time though after seeing all the potential Samantha Ronsons around her. “Now wait a minute, lets not be hasty officer. I have a few hours of contemplation left in me". Ok back to this poor Iranian woman. Word on the street (so she probably hasn’t heard) is that she’s already been whipped and lashed in prison. At least her children are rooting for her. I was sure they’d side with the justice system and robotically scream for their mother to be martyred for the sake of their father (whoever he was....we are talking about a severely loose woman here).

Newsworthy

Seventy years ago Germany was threatening to take over the world. Everyone knows how that ended. Well the second coming is upon us. Paul the Octopus is gaining power, brainwashing the masses, and making (Germany 1:the rest of world 0)-like predictions. Can someone at least get this thing a mustache? Granted, the Hail Paul salute would be difficult to execute for those with but two arms but we’ll manage. Needless to say, not everyone is happy with this rising star. Death threats are pouring in to turn the critter into calamari and end its winning streak. According to the headlines this psychic invertebrate is unfazed by both fame and death threats. It seems that the only thing he’s fazed by is soccer. I get the feeling that Paul also told Lebron James to sign with Miami Heat by nodding his head in the direction of the south. Lets fry that son of a gun!

Naturally once the Germans surface, so do the Russians. While Lebron James is burning in Heat, the Russian spies are bringing back a burst of much-needed cold air to this country. The crap they pulled-you gotta love ‘em. I guess it’s the westernized commies vs. the psychic Germans again. Meanwhile Mel Gibson is beating the hell out of his Russian, Oksana Grigorieva to see if she was also in the spying profession. He claimed that he was too drunk to remember the last twenty years of his life and for all he knows his real name is Maksim Gibsonovich and he’s about to be swapped for some vodka.

And those are the big news: Lebron James, Paul the Oracle, and Mel Gibson.

Oh I almost forgot about Mani the parakeet from Singapore and his take on world sports. Are Germany and Singapore the only countries able to breed psychic animals? Seriously U.S. go and fish out a mutant from the gulf and see what it can do.

Yes we can! (get canned)

I am being fired/laid off/disposed off/sent off to early retirement/escorted from… my present place of employment. They’ve finally had it with my antics. Folks, learn from my mistakes is all I can advise. If you come in after 10am thinking you’re early, take a long lunch thinking you deserve it, and browse the internet all day in search of a perfect career, it will eventually reflect on your performance. I’ve worked out a little formula (during work hours of course): The output (tasks done in 1 day) should equal the input (tasks being given to you) times at least 5 task assignees. My output equaled input X (number of personal emails in my inbox) plus input Y (yahoo news) plus input Z (youtube videos) plus ½ of an assigned task grabbed at the last moment from a boss picked at random (I can’t/don’t want to prioritize if my life depended on it). Basically, I’ve dug myself into a bit of a hole and jumped in via cannonball without any H2O present. That being said…..

I cannot be happier about my current situation. Finally! The push I need to go out there and put my skills to good use. I feel like I just graduated college again. No job, no money, no real acquired skills, but more expensive tastes.

I picture the unemployment office like an AA meeting. “Hello, my name is Diana, and I need a job”. Then I relapse and collect my check from the government.

Losing your religion, courtesy of REM

When is it safe to assume that a person believes in God or is religious? A friend of mine always says to me “this book is about God and religion so you’ll like it”. Finally I retorted with “Why do you assume I will like it?” and her response was “Because you’re always asking ‘why are we here’ and ‘what’s the point of it all, blah blah’”(the ‘blah blah’ could’ve been referring to “what’s a good laxative?” because I’m always asking about that too). Well so what? Doesn’t everyone ask those same questions at some point or other? I mean inquiring minds want to know. The ones who are not asking have it all figured out and are living underground waiting for the rest of us to catch up. Besides I’m asking those things while being open to any possibility while she automatically assumes they have something to do with God. So which one of us is religious?
Does a person have to observe customs or traditions or frequent a building with the appropriate sign in the front to be considered religious? Also if a non-Jew enters a synagogue will they be considered religious? What if a man prays in the comfort and privacy of his own home? Can someone be religious without having a particular religion? Moreover, if it has been established that someone is religious and wants to go somewhere where he can talk to God, where should they go? All faiths are divided up holding hands with each other as if practicing for a fire drill so they know which exit to take when the apocalyptic fire erupts. God forbid everyone should take the same one; there’s no room. It’s not enough to wonder if God created us at all but we also have to establish which God’s fault it was. Meanwhile Allah, Jesus and Yehweh are all playing poker and assigning the blame to each other.
The three main religions are in constant search for new members and when they’re not recruiting they’re busy telling people to get out. Jews are the chosen ones and if you haven’t already been chosen then you can’t have my winning lottery ticket. The synagogue has to display some signs in the front like: “DO NOT ENTER, if you do not have a receipt stamped ‘chosen’”. Since people always forget to read the fine print they will try to enter anyway. At this point a sign like: “BEWARE OF JEWS” or “USE CAUTION, JEWS AT PRAY” may suffice. If someone chooses to enter a mosque they must read the sign: “IF YOU ENTER BE PREPARED TO STRAP ONE ON (no we are not talking about a dildo), and please leave your slippers outside”.
So regarding who is to be considered religious so far we can only speculate but the range seems to be from simply asking “why am I here?” to blowing ourselves up hoping for something better on the other side.

Unrequited love

It’s no secret that Jews have always been loved and admired throughout the ages. What might seem like acts of terror are really hidden kindnesses similar to those a loving parent would use on his child to teach them a lesson. The following people have been perceived as heartless anti-Semites but it’s time to clear their names.

Moses’s brother the Pharaoh
How much do you have to love somebody not to want to part with them? In this instance Moses had to beg and plead to be granted leave, along with 40,000 of his closest friends. I’m almost thirty, but when I ask my parents to go away for some time they say “no”-out of their love for and attachment to me. Much like them, this particular Pharaoh loved his little alien nation so much that he withstood all kinds of tortures to be able to keep them. I mean, who in their right mind would jump right in the middle of two giant tsunamis after someone they didn’t care about, except a loving mother? Moses utilized his best Jewish intimidation techniques: sending the plagues by night and then coming by the next morning and politely inquiring whether he’s free to go yet. The Pharaoh should’ve learned when to cut the cord.

Mel Gibson
Who knew? All this time the guy was harboring his Lethal Weapons-to be unleashed at a later date. He was obviously on a three step program to cure his Jew addiction. Step one: make a movie portraying Jews in a less than favorable light. This one was the hardest step and the poor fella relapsed and denied any and all such intentions. Step two: get drunk and stupid-nothing to do with Jews but always helps in crises, except after an AA meeting. Step three: accuse the Jews of being the culprits of all the world’s woes. Psht. That’s not debasement, it’s historical quotes uttered millions of times before, which at least prove that Mel was an avid follower of current (and past) events and there actually may have been a historical basis for Braveheart.

A bunch of Adolfs
Turns out that if your first name is Adolf, you’re not gonna be a fan. Also turns out, you’re not gonna end well. In a game of Pinky and the Brain style world domination schemes the Jews will always be the Brain so that only leaves Pinky. Shout out to all the Adolf’s out there!

The Big Spill

I admit it. I am clumsy and I spill, drop, stain, and pollute things all the time, but I’m not responsible for the fiasco in the Gulf. I’m still not completely sure who is. I say keep blaming Bush. Who cares if he’s no longer our President? Just keep on blaming that poor sucker till he retaliates by invading your neighbor’s house. I am concerned about the environmental impact of the matter. Do I want to consume fish that’s been lubed up? Not really. Especially if it’s also full of mercury. Lord have mercy on my ulcerous stomach. Am I interested to see what kind of mutations might arise as a result of this disaster? Maybe a little. A two-headed Loch Ness might be kind of cool. One head goes under water but you still got a chance of photographing the other one. Now I see why those things prefer the fresh waters of Ireland. More low key. The poor amphibians. I feel sorry for them. No wonder the Little Mermaid wanted to be a part of our world. She was like “Screw this. Take my tail, my voice, all my stolen artifacts, I’m out”. The sea dwellers are sick of constantly having to put up with our human debacles. If a ship doesn’t dump oil and a factory fails to contribute toxic waste, then sure enough some pipe will burst.
I keep imagining scuba divers or snorkelers passing by just as a load of oil covered them. “I know it’s our honeymoon Jim but what the hell? I asked you to save those games for the hotel room”. They were staying at Share-a-ton.
I’m also horrible at cleaning stuff up. Once the deed is done and there’s a horrible mess I use one of the following tactics: either pretend like I have no idea what’s happening and run in the other direction or half-assedly cover it up and hope for the best. I have a lot in common with the BP (whoever that is but they seem to be overly involved). How hard can this be people? Oil and water don’t mix! Just take out the part that’s oil and leave the rest. I was hoping to limit my advice to relationships and entertainment but looks like I have to expand my horizons and start a column as the voice for all the environmentalists out there.