Continuing to spew

   Jon Stewart and Stephen Colbert would be lucky to have someone like me as a guest on their show. I’m just sayin’. In my heart of hearts I feel that my presence in the “hot seat” would be interesting. I’m aware that it can go both ways-either hilarious or atrocious-but it’s a win/win situation; both would be appealing to watch. I also wouldn’t mind working “behind the scenes”. I’m sure I’d find ways to spice things up even more than they already are. This is not intended to be a conceited statement but a purely factual one. Shamefully I know very little about politics but given the opportunity I will catch up just enough to be able to make fun of politicians just like I make fun of everyone else. After all politics is no different from the entertainment industry except entertainers are actually expected to entertain and politicians do so by accident. It seems easy enough. Just catch all their mistakes and wrongdoings and use it to your advantage. It might be wrong of us to hold their silly remarks against them but we do it anyway. Why? Because we can, right Obama? We are also willing and able (and bored and angry) and they are in our direct line of sight. How could our President do something wrong? Doesn’t he know people look up to him? He cannot disappoint! But he does, and will continue doing so until his term is up and what he does then will be irrelevant. My advice to him is that he save all the humiliating actions and sayings until he’s comfortably settled on some ranch and then write a book titled “All the stupid things I could’ve said and done but chose not to because of Diana’s advice” (of course I deserve a mention in the title of his upcoming book, did you think otherwise?).

   Who am I to intermingle with the likes of Stewart, Colbert and Obama you ask? My reply is simple. I am a person who’s kept quiet my whole life and finally decided to dispense her advice onto anyone and everyone. From now on I will intervene as much as I can and not because I’m passionate about things but simply to put my thoughts ‘out there’ (for lack of a specific address). Although I’m not a parent myself I will still tell those who are that they’re doing a so-so job. What’s to stop me? If I see you littering and I happen to be feeling particularly environmentally conscious that day then I will ask you to pick up your trash. My intentions are not to interfere in anyone’s business hence I will not stick around to see the outcome. It’s not like I will follow you home unless you do as I say but you WILL hear me out and you WILL do as I say. Whether you’re the most important person on the planet or the village idiot I will make my opinion known to you. I finally figured out that to make people listen while clouding their judgment enough to think you’re right is to just tell them to and sound confident about it. Don’t let your voice betray you by being shaky or faltering. I told Stewart and Colbert to have me on their show and they will. I told Obama to stop fooling around and he will. I will tell everyone else what I think they should or shouldn’t do and they will do it. Those who have conviction hold all the power.

Obama takes another bow

Is it me or is our President fond of some old school type of behavior? In the less civilized societies people used to bow, kiss other men’s hands, and dabble in other ludicrous and demeaning acts. Considering that we now live in a day and age when “change” is occurring, I should hope that means forward progression and not backward.

In my opinion, if one really must pay respects to someone older and presumably wiser, than a simple bow of the head should suffice, followed by a wink and smile. Why the President of the supposedly most powerful country in the world thinks that what he’s doing is correct is beyond me. Either he has some really bad advisors or he had a dream in which he saw that the quickest way to world peace is through complete humiliation symbolized by an act of exercising/yoga (that is halfway down dog I believe). What’s next? I certainly hope that a cure for famine is not achieved by doing head stands; nor is the quickest way to healthcare reform by jumping on the trampoline. No other world leader is doing it so it’s very avant-garde of Obama. Another possibility is that he’s just demonstrating that the number of bows taken is directly proportional to the amount of Nobel Peace Prizes one can accumulate, or that as a laureate, there is a minimum number of bows which must be completed. The possibilities are endless. He might’ve simply admired the Emperor’s wife's sense of style. Those kimonos are no match for a simple black suit. I particularly enjoyed the Emperor’s reaction to the bow. Under his marble expression he was probably thinking: ‘This fellow has totally lost it. Well I’m not getting down like that’. The Saudi King, I would imagine, is very disappointed. In his mind the bows were reserved only for his majesty. What will his reaction be? This new bow may very well cancel out the first bow and then what?

Basically while Obama works out, the whole world watches in amazement and awe. Some people are confused, others are inspired, conservatives are appalled, and I am simply amused.

A crack at being a critic

A while back I read a book called The Other Boleyn Girl. Drama, intrigue, and other excitements during King Henry Tudor’s rule. What’s not to like? I’ve later watched The Tudors and of course thought it matched the book, if not the actual history, perfectly. After that, research on Wikipedia ensued only to be soon forgotten since I, like everybody else, am of fickle nature and Mad Men was my latest prey. Having banished it from memory I recently watched The Tudors, season 2 because I happened to sign up for Netflix recently and was at a loss of what to view. I was instantaneously pulled back in, unexpectedly so since almost everyone was beheaded in season 1 and I had to get used to a whole new set of characters. As soon as I was done I watched the movie version of the above-mentioned book. Had I nothing to compare it to I might’ve liked it but, alas, The [damned] Tudors spoiled everything for me. The lengthy “mini” series told the same story in twenty hours as the movie told in two. The Other Boleyn Girl didn’t stand a chance. It is now known to me as The Other Tudors and Natalie Portman along with Scarlett Johansson did not appear more beautiful than the actresses from The Tudors. I am disappointed as well as overdosed by too much information about King Henry and his liaisons. I wish a book/movie of that nature existed for every boring historical period so that I may actually learn something while watching the main characters fornicate. I heard Albert Einstein was a womanizer. Imagine if we saw his life in the movies? For all we know he came up with the theory of relativity while running around the house naked, chasing some skirt. That would give a whole new meaning to E=MC2 and make it very interesting to watch.

Motivational speech

Feeling stressed and underappreciated? It’s your own fault. Learn how to screw the system and milk it for what it’s worth. Working a dead-end job? Take two-hour lunches and leave as early as possible. Take acting classes and learn to lie. These tools are very useful. Lie to everyone you meet. Talk yourself up. Describe the person you want to be instead of the schmuck you really are. The key to making everyone love you is lying and pretending -do it with assertiveness and seriousness. Don’t get me wrong laughing is allowed and schmoozing and fake smiling, but at the right moments. Even bouts of ass-kissing is acceptable but only when necessary. The majority of the time should be spent rejecting all the brownnoses following you around. Become the corrupt, evil, fake conscience-free leader you always wanted to be. Only care about yourself and your needs. Make sure others put you first. Live it up! Spend someone’s cash (never your own!). Press the delete button on all the bad opinions/comments about you which occasionally resurface in your memory. Focus. When someone tries to take advantage of you beat them to it and turn the tables. Suck all the juices out of life! Mess with everyone, trust no one. Develop a dependency on drugs and alcohol and smoke ‘on occasion’ to check that option off at the doctor’s office. Respect your organs but give them what they want. Be clean and be as dirty as possible. Connect with people, never apologize. Always do what is pleasing to you and ignore others’ complaints. Follow this advice and be happy. Achieve inner peace and a sense of security. Take yoga and meditate. Levitate to the next level. Announce your arrival and grand entrance to potential admirers. Kiss but never tolerate. Judge but never be judged. You are entitled to your superiority. Convince yourself that you can do it. Live the dream! Abandon fear and rejection. Congratulations, you’ve finally made it!

Plastic surgery and repercussions

Facelift
If your face is the only thing being lifted where is the rest of your body supposed to go? Might as well get a full body lift.
Upside: wrinkle-free skin
Downside: muscle immobility resulting in being stuck with whatever last expression you had on your face before going under.

Implants
Wondering which one to chose; the boob or butt silicone? Go for both because it’s hot.
Upside: everything is up.
Downside: no one sees your facelift.

Hair transplant
Always dreamed of it? Now you can have it. The unnecessary carpet on your chest and back is moving on up.
Upside: you’re covered
Downside: knowledge is leaking out of all the extra (vanity) holes in your head

Veneers/lumineers
The dream of all dreams is to have that million-dollar, pearly-white smile. Nobody wants to see the nasty, yellowing stalagmites attached to your gums. Also, it’s not cute to never smile, it looks suspicious.
Upside: instant good looks, charisma and charm
Downside: speech therapy not included

Liposuction
The single, fastest weight loss method on the market today. Walk in bloated, walk out perfectly sculpted.
Upside: Rapid procedure. Say goodbye to all the happy meals you ever had.
Downside: Say hello to all the happy meals you ever had (rapid procedure). Also, shifting of all the implants, lifts and transplants may occur and only your veneers can save you.

Criminal

That’s it, I’ve had it! Time to make something of myself. After looking over my options, the voices in my head have unanimously decided that I am perfectly equipped to become a gangster. Turning to a life of crime after being a respectable member of society is not exactly the way most gangsters start out but on the bright side it will serve as a defense at a potential future trial of mine: “Look at this face ladies and gentlemen, does it look like the face of a guilt-ridden evildoer or the hardened mask of a merciless killer? Examine the writing style of this person. She’s highly educated and a great speller. There is no way she committed the crimes the prosecutor is accusing her of”. There will be new standards-my own. First things first: A letter will be mailed out advising all mobsters that a new Godmother is emerging. I already see the panic and the division within the mob world. Some will welcome the newcomer while others will start making preparations for my untimely execution-all of which I will be ready for. Next item on the agenda will be to make new purchases; in my case robbing the clothing stores blind. I need new suits, fedoras and ties (for everyday activities like high-profile police chases and shootings) and evening gowns for special occasions. The most difficult task will be recruiting members who will obey me and carry out my requests without question. To accomplish that I will need to make a name for myself as the most notorious villain who ever set foot in the Big Apple. This has to be done by word of mouth since I am not planning on doing all the dirty work myself, at least not in the beginning. I will send out a new memo amending my initial one, taking credit for all the jobs which have been done by the worst kind of sadists. After enough fear has been instilled into the members of the general public I will make my first appearance at a gathering of the heads of the mafia families, having only two guys at my side to show my fearlessness and total lack of respect for the more veteran and aging thugs. I will be wearing a burqua and only my eyes will be visible. My undergarments will consist of a full-body bullet-proof vest. When the shooting erupts I shall remain standing like the untouchable soldier that I am. Shortly after this publicized incident the notoriety and infamy will follow. This is the kind of life every kid dreams of but is too afraid to embark on. Let me be the first to pave the way. I will also need high doses of prescription (or non-prescription) medicine as a preventative measure against crapping my pants while I perform all the above-mentioned tasks.

phrases

Whoever coined the phrase “The sky is falling” obviously had no idea about astronomy and physics. I know it was originally a fable about a chicken who mistakenly thought that the sky was falling. This, however, was written by some author so lets not blame the poor chicken. The sky that is visible to us is made up of our atmosphere, the stars, the moon, other planets and asteroids, the sun, galaxies, comets, meteors, etc…So which of these things all of a sudden decided to fall and when should we expect it? Moreover, how did this guy know that they are falling? Did someone place a collect call to him and say “Hey, I’m about to fall so warn the public” and the guy having no idea who “I” am just assumed it was the sky? Maybe he got tired of staring up and decided that it was time to bring the whole thing down, literally. But I can see his point; in order to fall something has to come from upstairs. Being very meticulous he made a list and crossed off all the things already on the ground. This still left too many things in the sky (including man-made objects) so he just said to hell with it and lumped it all under “sky”. To fall by definition means to descend under the influence of gravity. Well although gravity is present in space nothing is descending, objects are merely colliding (except asteroids and comets that enter our atmosphere and have no choice but to fall being in the hands of gravity or this guy). Maybe this guy and gravity are one and the same.

Same goes for the expression “piece of the sky”. This saying can be found in some book titles and even a song by Barbara Streisand. What are these people talking about? When did the sky all of a sudden become a cake or a pizza pie? If so, can I place an order? Give me the slice with the Andromeda Galaxy layer and Jupiter on top, thanks. Like there is nothing else to divide so we have to rip the sky into pieces. Normally we’re selfish and want the whole thing to ourselves but when it comes to the sky all of a sudden we’re generous and everyone can have a piece. People are such strange creatures anyway, wanting to own intangible objects. They name stars after themselves and proudly announce that those stars now belong to them. In reality everything “up there” belongs to the afore-mentioned guy. I, for one, want no part of the sky especially since it’s falling anyway.