Leaving already?

According to Paul Simon, there are 50 ways to leave your lover. That’s a bit exaggerated. “Slipping out the back, hopping on the bus, and leaving your key” could all possibly be a part of one trip.

Most people, can make due with just three ways. You either loudly declare your intention and boldly march out the front door (or slip away quietly through the fire escape if you’re considerate and don’t want to wake them). You can drop them off at the nearest asylum (under the pretext of a picnic) if the situation is nearly hopeless, and (as a last resort), you dump their lifeless body into the river (Paul Simon couldn’t use this lyric because no name rhymes with river).

Another option (to be utilized only in extreme circumstances) is to sit them down and list all the possible ways in which you can leave until they’re begging you to do it already or help you pick an option. Make a game out of it and make it fun! Spring it on them while you’re both relaxed and watching TV. “So tomorrow I’m probably gonna hop on the bus Gus (I don’t care if their name is Sally you gotta strictly follow the lyric) or get on the plane (Jane), but what do you think? Either way I’m gonna get far away from you so this is the last say you’ll ever have in anything pertaining to me”. I bet they won’t take it as hard. After all, you’re being considerate enough of their feelings and throwing out some good choices. Heck, maybe they’ll even choose the other alternative after you’ve made your decision. “Oh, you’re headed to the train station? In that case I’ll order a taxi". You can both leave. Split the burden in half-25 ways each. Maybe unbeknownst to you, your lover was sitting there waiting for you to say something just so they can suggest the most dangerous exit. “Why don’t you take the hot air balloon ride up on outta here? I’ve already called the parents of the boy who never got a chance to use his so maybe this time the authorities can actually find a body”.

On the other hand why must you always be the initiator and do all the packing? You can tell them to get out. Hit the Road Jack seems to be another popular song. If you’re not happy you can always tell Jack to not come back no more, and when your boyfriend asks you who the hell Jack is, don’t roll your eyes but explain that you are again strictly adhering to the lyrics.
Basically the only difficult thing about leaving somebody is remembering how hard it was to find them in the first place.