Work tips

We all know that the person who looks the busiest is really mutilating keyboard keys while responding to all their Facebook messages. The secret to their success? They have a serious/take no prisoners face on. They have on the kind of face that politicians use when being accused of improper sexual conduct. Meanwhile you try to say “No, I’m not gay” (after a video of you is released proving otherwise) with a straight (no pun intended) face. The only time I believe them is if they use carefully-worded sentences like: “I’ve never seen that stripper’s face in my life” (‘cuz they probably weren’t concentrating too much on that particular area).

This type of expression, while in the workplace, can either deny the most serious charges (like that you’re a complete idiot/slacker) or make anyone feel guilty for even doubting you in the first place. I, on the other hand, like to work with a carefree, spaced- out type of look. Even when I’m working, people assume I’m Dreaming of a White Christmas.

Another really good skill to have to confuse people into believing that you are the greatest worker on the planet is-you guessed it, ORGANIZATIONAL SKILLS! I cannot stress this enough people. Get your shit together or stuff your mess in a box and go home before you’re fired. Either way, the desk WILL be clean. If you’re not getting work because your boss is afraid to approach you out of fear that he will start spinning with the rest of the tornado in your area, that’s not a good sign. Once again, I’ve failed miserably in this respect.

What else can possibly keep a mediocre person at their job? Good listening (and people) skills. You have got to listen up and make comments relating to the issue at hand. If, like me, you randomly ask “what’s for lunch?” (at 10 am) while all the higher ups are talking about how to improve communication within the firm, your Facebook status is about to take a turn for the worse.

For these reasons, I’m desperately trying to switch tactics. I am planning to stick my two very important cents in at every corner. I am going to take Tyra Banks’s advice and practice posing in the mirror to perfect “the look” like fierce models do. Working in the office is kind of like modeling after all. You have to grasp what each client wants and just do it. Somebody likes polite chatter in the morning with a hint of sincere interest? Give it to them. Someone else likes a no-nonsense type of attitude with a face to match? Kindly oblige. A particularly annoying boss screws up your perfect review unless you compliment a picture of their highly unattractive kids? Lie.

*A short note on lying. You will need to resort to it but this skill must be perfected. When you’re putting on any number of faces while thinking otherwise, it all constitutes lying. I am very bad at doing this. My facial expression says it all. Whatever I’m thinking is out there for your viewing pleasure. Do not lie unless you can back it up with the appropriate expression!