Natural remedies for everyday ailments

Hemorrhoids/anal fissures
Do not subject your most sensitive area to stressors because it is vindictive enough to retaliate. You’ll know when it does once you’re officially known as “that guy” who freely disperses standing ovations even in situations similar to those where a skater falls for even attempting a triple axel. Pointing your nose at every seat like it’s unacceptable to your royal arseness will not score you many friends at Ikea. Unfortunately not much can be done because this is one of life’s little jokes on you for which there’s no permanent solution, only temporary relief. Just stay positive and thankful that at least it’s not incontinence and do your best to de-stress ground zero.

Bad breath or body odor
Not so much a problem for you as it is for those around you. Sometimes the solution is as simple as making a selection from a multitude of “natural” odor-maskers to avoid being quarantined. In rare instances nothing seems to work because the situation has dropped to the lowest level of purgatory and once there, it’s a long way up. This means that your insides are trying to give you a desperate pre-autopsy report as to the status by utilizing any escape orifice necessary. Depending on the type of person you are, you will deal with this problem accordingly. Some will revel in their natural aroma (the most natural remedy of all) while others will fast and detox. Warning: detoxing will worsen the problem.

Acne
A particularly disturbing type of plague similar to boils. Anyone can be subjected but some are better adapted at coming out of it unscathed body and soul. Again, not many natural remedies here really except walking around constantly red from embarrassment as an attempt to even out your skin tone.

Growling stomach/intestines
As if there aren’t enough noises emanating from the outside world, your body feels the need to produce some of its own. As a rule of thumb, this usually happens when it’s deathly quiet and everyone’s ears are perked up. The barking of gastric juices is hard to ignore and you feel helpless and trapped. Your doctor will only laugh when you mention it to him so absolutely nothing can help you. To lessen your own mortification you may secretly wish for everyone around you to suffer the same fate.

Obesity
Literally an everyday ailment because if you wake up obese today, chances are you’re still gonna be obese tomorrow. Liposuction will not take care of the underlying cause, which is eating like the porker that you are, so it’s pretty much pointless. I am not cruel enough to suggest jumping jacks to a 500 lb person while dangling a burger on a string as motivation. Nor would I dare say diet; because eating one muffin instead of twenty is the equivalent of foreplay with no happy end, and I’m not a tease. Basically if those are the cards you’re dealt then…you get the idea.

Headache
Comes and goes as it pleases and can be caused by any of the above nuisances. Contrary to popular (Asian propaganda) belief, massage and acupuncture does not bring relief, but egg on the pain and leave you hopping from one Chinese herbal medicine spa to the next.

Moral: there are no natural remedies so stick to man-made pharmaceuticals and keep the economy afloat!