Under the pretext of...

Once you reach a certain financial and educational level you can’t just frolic around like any Average Joe. Luckily, some clever Trump has come up with upscale versions for you to enjoy lower class and “trashy” things.

Ballet aka male strip club
A true lady will never enter an establishment that degrades the male gender, unless it’s Carnegie Hall. I wonder if the dancers have been informed they’re on display or is this like The Emperor’s New Clothes? All I know is when I put on pantyhose I’m fully aware of the see-through/outline element, so due to modesty I usually wear a skirt on top. Pirouettes and splits do not conceal full-frontal nudity, in fact, they underline and put it in bold. I must say that male strippers are more reserved. At least they come out fully clothed and leave us wondering. Ballet dancers jump right out without warning or introduction. The females aren’t any better. They wear too-toos which are essentially belts made to resemble skirts. If this is done for the sole purpose of being able to distinguish between genders then the males pretty much got that covered (no pun intended). Basically I see your underwear lady, take care of that before pretending to be a swan.

Wine tasting vs bar
What a delightful way for wine connoisseurs (stuffed-shirt alcoholics) to spend their day. What’s the matter? You don’t give a damn about wine and are simply looking to have a good time without being judged? I don’t blame you. Nowhere else will you still be able to come out with your dignity intact after drinking during the day while driving through the countryside intoxicated.

Home attendant vs nursing home
Having a home attendant may not seem upscale to some, but to me it certainly does. Only nobility used to be able to afford their own staff and in my opinion it’s still very refined- even if Medicaid pays for it. Both parties involved benefit. Your behind gets wiped without having to wait in line and afterwards the attendant goes right back to the remote wihout missing the latest Brazilian soap operas. To pass the time, you can role play by pretending to be the affluent Juan Carlos, while your loyal attendant is the maid, Maria, who is really the wealthy daughter of Pedro Antonio, your next door neighbor.

A seat at the opera vs comfortable mattress
The rich suffer from insomnia too. Sure they can afford the best beds around but we all know that nothing knocks out a person faster then listening to male and female voices urging us to assess the gravity of the situation. For those of you who didn’t get my drift: Men’s deep baritones may as well be used as substitutes for a war alarm due to their unique ability to foretell impending doom and female soprano screeching only aids the already rising panic. However, after the initial dramatic impact, comes a pacifying affect that somehow evokes lethargy leading to a fantastic two-hour rest.

Dental work vs Grillz/s
At first I was going to use the grills as an upscale version of the two until I remembered the cost of regular dental work and the trashy look a grills inspires. Who knew that even platinum and diamonds can look disgusting when you use them to smile? Sure, not everyone can afford millions of stolen treasure glued to their incisors but neither can they afford a root canal, followed by a bridge and ending with complete tooth extraction. Besides, half the Russian aging population is sporting gold teeth, which were used thirty years ago instead of dentures, so the rappers are way behind the times. I say don’t stop there. Rip out your hair and get sapphire braids, get rid of your bionic (or regular) limbs in favor of pearl arms and ruby legs. Replace all your organs and get on the train at night preferably without jewelry (life) insurance.