Alarmed robbery

What is the best way to safeguard the three most precious items you own: your broken flat screen TV, your expired driver’s license, and your CD clock radio? Get an alarm aka home security system!
An unknown intruder enters the apartment. The alarm goes off. There is no panic in the building because you set it off every three or so days yourself. The obligatory phone call follows, presumably to inquire whether the burglar finds his stay comfortable and to get a list of all the items he’s planning to carry outside of the premises so there's no misunderstanding later. More often than not, the cops do not come at all. If they do, it is five hours after the fact, most likely to give the thief extra time for self-reflection and then finish off the subject apartment, along with the rest of the “poor” block. You get home and are left to wander the barren site pondering why your mom’s necklace was stolen but the earrings your husband gave you for your anniversary were left behind (you always suspected they were ugly). If you think about it, the alarm really acts as a welcoming committee for the brave soul who dared to take the plunge into unknown territory; oh and take some shit.

Meanwhile at burglar training camp:
Lecture 7

Enter the shabbiest, most run down and decrepit building you can find because it’s just a front for the cheap Jews who keep all their money in the mattress. Proceed to the apartment with the WELCOME mat by the door (they’ve been expecting you of all people). Use a screwdriver to pick the lock and make sure to smile openly at all the eyes gazing at you through the adjacent peepholes. Once inside, take only the most valuable items like Hanes underwear for her (she will appreciate it believe me). Be meticulous but quick! Remember you only have five hours before the cops arrive so you have to work fast. Don’t get bogged down or distracted by all the Disney DVDs. Try to go to the gym a day before in case you’re forced to use the fire escape and climb two floors down before making the deadly three-foot jump to safety. In the event that the cops do show up, try your best to convince them of your legitimate residency, even if you are African American in an all-white neighborhood. You'll sound even more plausible if some items have already been moved and everything’s at a disarray, in which case you are free to introduce yourself as the mover. As soon as they leave, continue to stuff your bag. You may take a photo or two as a keepsake (after all you probably won’t be coming back here until next month, when the place is restocked). If the residents appear, slap them with an eviction notice (a copy of which has been distributed at a prior lecture) and tell them you’re the new resident (even if you’re African American in an all-white neighborhood). Point to the rented U-Haul truck downstairs with all your stuff (technically now it is since you stole it). If they suspect foul play warn them that you are repossessing everything since they failed to pay rent the last few months. This usually applies to almost everybody. As soon as they leave, unpack your stuff and move in to your apartment. Install a new alarm system. If, perchance, they happen to be the only ones paying rent on a timely basis, apologize for the inconvenience and leave. They ain’t got no money left anyway.