Bring on the fame and success

I would like to be famous and successful. It really doesn’t matter for what. As long as it gets me on the cover next to Paris Hilton I’ll be ecstatic. Is there a better way to announce my arrival? If I were to shout from the rooftops that I’m famous nobody would believe me but if Paris Hilton is standing by my side happy to be in my company, well then who can doubt it? My plan is to follow her (or any other “famous for nothing” celebrity) around trying to get in the same shot. Hopefully by the time her bodyguards pounce on me I’d have accumulated a decent number of photos to sell to the tabloids along with the following headlines: 'That’s me and Paris eating lunch' (in reality I’m biting a sandwich my mother brought me and Paris just has her mouth open), 'That’s us engaged in a deep conversation about the perils of extreme wealth' (when Paris is yelling for someone to take care of the nuisance that is me), and 'That’s Paris’s bodyguards giving me a friendly hug' (me holding onto one of their enormous shoulders for dear life). Who will know the truth but Paris and myself? She can later try to deny the validity of those rumors but no one ever believes celebrities when they deny something, only when they confirm. I realize that once I’m “in” some people would look up to me and yet others would despise me and talk about how irritating I am. For the record I am not that irritating but my opinion is obviously biased.

So how do I go about achieving this dream when my original plan falls through? I can’t exactly stalk everyone or I’ll become famous for being on America’s Most Wanted. That’s not the kind of fame I’m after. What I need is a good marketing and public relations team who can figure out ways to constantly bombard people’s screens with my image until they have no choice but to accept me as part of our pop culture. I want there to be unblockable pop-ups of me on all sites so that people surfing the web for Angelina Jolie will come across my image. The worst thing that could happen is that they’d think Angie has gained a few pounds. All bases need to be covered. I want to be envied, admired and downright worshipped. It’s not that difficult to achieve. People are fooled fairly easily. If you got a special skill use it; if not make one up. No one will be able to tell. Technological advances + people’s lack of common sense=JACKPOT! (Sorry for getting all mathematical). There is no need to be special, gifted, or privileged; only to be somewhat business savvy and a tad lucky.