Boxing

This sport is the epitome of cool. I’d be a huge fan if I wasn’t such a squeamish humanitarian. Sadly I’ve never attended a match so this information is based solely on what I’ve picked up from Rocky I-V, Million Dollar Baby, and the occasional news bit. Here we go:

The announcer riles up the crowd. There is loud music playing. Everybody is going crazy. Finally a man in a robe (oftentimes silk because you always have to look good no matter where you’re going) enters and starts walking down the aisle towards the ring blindly punching the air and anyone who gets in his way/face. He is either treated like a national hero or a traitor about to be hanged. After he’s safely in the ring and disrobed attention is turned to the second man about to make the same grand entrance. I’m not sure if either one knows beforehand which role he’s about to assume but I imagine the guy who gets all the cheers and applause might be in a slightly better mood than the one who gets booed and hissed at just for showing up. Once they’re both in the ring and half-nude, they proceed to eye each other viciously as if they both got the rotten treatment or hate sharing the spotlight. Fake teeth/dentures (I’m not sure which one) are then inserted into their mouths. As soon as the referee says so the two ‘rams’ start butting heads and dancing around each other in a circle (showing off spectacular quick feet with moves resembling a cha-cha) in preparation of throwing punches or covering their precious face (which is by no means less attractive since all the surgeries). The fellow considered to have the upper hand is the one who manages to corner his opponent against the rope and deliver just enough punches in a row to break all his bones but not enough to kill him and face manslaughter charges (oh those softies). I am well aware that the Russian guy from Rocky did kill all of his adversaries in the ring without any consequences but he was a commie so that’s understandable. He almost killed poor Rocky but in a lucky-for-US turn of events Rocky was able to channel his inner Mike Tyson and put a stop to all the murders. Sometimes the punches fly so hard that the fake teeth/dentures fly out in slow motion accompanied by blood and other gruesomeness and land on the spectators which they can then take home as souvenirs. The ‘champ’ who lost his teeth is escorted to the corner where his posse reassures him that not all is yet lost and places a fresh set into his mouth.

The goal of the fight is to really sock it to somebody until they’re on the ground with no intention of EVER getting up. Once that happens, the ‘winner’ is applauded (even if he was booed in the beginning) and one of his arms (which is about to fall off from all the back and forth punching motion) is yanked high up into the air and held there until the referee feels like letting go. I also learned that at times the rivals bite/nibble on each others ears. This ritual is performed to either (a) intrigue the crowd, (b) as a simple display of affection, or (c) instead of saying “Hey man, sorry for incapacitating you for the next 3-6 months. We cool?”