Fairy tales decoded

Once upon a time (now), in a faraway place (Brooklyn), there lived a young (pushing 30), beautiful (only with the right lighting and weight), and kind (after 5 shots) princess (regular chick) named Biana. She possessed all the qualities necessary to meet (land) a decent prince (average Joe). Biana was narcissistic (delusional) and picky (fat). All the suitors (25 random dudes in possession of her number) seemed to be wrong (still residing with mom). Like all other princesses before her, Biana always kept her head up (after 5 shots and an occasional yoga class) and sang to birds while frolicking in the meadow (whined to homeless people while on a bench in Central Park). She was forever radiant (oily) and loving (fake). She enjoyed to smile (laugh at and ridicule) and spread the warmth (pee on) upon all creatures (homeless people in Central Park).

All of a sudden an evil witch (a friend with common sense to dispel some delusions) moved into town. The witch poisoned Biana (flat out told her she wasn’t getting any younger) and tried to prick her finger on a spindle (offered to use euthanasia if things don’t get any better). Finally a prince (26th random dude) stepped forward to slay the witch (tell her the four of them will have dinner once he marries Biana). Biana agrees to marry the prince only if he shows enough strength (long-lasting erection) and courage (not being afraid of moderate to severe acne).

In the end, all issues are resolved (nothing is resolved but the marriage takes place anyway since Biana is near-suicidal) and everyone lives happily ever after (abusing drugs and alcohol and telling sweet sounding fibs).